


A month to love you

by Arashimelia



Category: GOT7
Genre: 94line, Advent Calendar, Advent Calendar Drabble, Christmas, Christmas Days, Everyday, Friendship, Gift, Holidays, M/M, Parkgae, Santa Claus - Freeform, Wanggae, jinson, one month
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:21:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 44,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27732229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arashimelia/pseuds/Arashimelia
Summary: A Jinson story like an advent calendar. One day = One drabble to wait for Santa Claus' visit.
Relationships: Jinson - Relationship, Park Jinyoung & Jackson Wang, Park Jinyoung/Jackson Wang
Comments: 31
Kudos: 91





	1. The last day of the year

He pushed the double doors with force. They opened wide under his impulse. A few people were walking against the flow, not necessarily looking in front of them, but he didn't care, too dazzled by the spectacle before his eyes. A huge fir tree several tens of meters high, with garlands and balls, glittered in all its splendor. A huge sleigh with gifts and Santa Claus' seat enthroned at the foot of the tree. He raised his head to admire its top, it was so impressive. A few men and women with children had also stopped to admire it, taking pictures with their phones. He didn't even want to take out his own, too stunned to find himself in the middle of the shopping center, at the Châtelet les Halles station, in the heart of Paris. Paris, a city of light so romantic in the eyes of so many filmmakers and tourists. He had already seen hundreds of photos or videos, but by living it in real life, he realized how much it deserves its reputation and prestige. It wasn't perfect but the atmosphere was so special that it made you forget all the negative aspects, mainly the character of its inhabitants, so hurried, so unkind and so grumpy. Not to mention the aggressiveness of the cars stuck in traffic that were just screaming and insulting you. And then there were also these impressive crowd movements when the subway or trains arrived, the latter often having technical problems or being late at the slightest incident. Its monuments, its gastronomy, its architectural beauty embellished by Christmas lights, its cultural pride made it so attractive that you could not escape its appeal. Throughout his stay, he had been convinced that he had made the right choice to make his childhood dream come true at this time of year. Now he wondered if it was too good to be true. He didn't deserve to have such an experience. It was completely magical! And it wasn't over yet. In two days, he would go to Disneyland, he had no idea how fantastic it would be. A final bouquet in apotheosis for a stay already full and rich in extraordinary events. Children were running around the tree screaming and laughing. He would have done the same thing if he had had someone at his side to share his moments full of promise.

"I've never seen a tree this big. "said a voice beside him.

He immediately turned his head towards the person, the owner of this sensual voice. The other person turned his eyes away from the multicolored glitter of the lights to come and meet his own.

"We know each other, don't we? “

He blinked to be sure of what he had just heard.

"In another life, surely. "he replied.


	2. December 1st

He heard his alarm clock go off. He opened his eyes with difficulty. He wished he could have told himself that it was the wrong day, that it was actually Saturday, and that he could fall asleep again. But it was the beginning of the week and he really had to get up. It was still dark and it made him want to get out of bed even less. He stretched like a cat, shivering. He took off his blankets and got up to go to the bathroom. He turned on the water and waited for it to get very hot. He took off his pajamas and rushed into the shower under the jet to warm up. He washed quickly, he was not dirty. It was mostly to cool down and feel in the best possible conditions to start the day. Once he was done, he grabbed a towel and wrapped himself in it. He stood in front of the radiator and let himself be lulled by its heat for a few minutes. He quickly got dressed and left the bathroom. He made himself a coffee and drank it quickly while he packed his things. Once he was ready, he took his bag, checked that he hadn't forgotten to turn off the lights and the heating. He took his keys and was ready to leave. He pushed the key into the lock and turned it twice, he did the same with the top lock. He turned around and put his keys away while moving forward. He raised his head and found himself face to face with a slightly taller young man smiling at him. He looked like he was in an advanced state of drunkenness, but that didn't stop him from greeting him in a very polite way by lowering his head slightly:

"Hello! “

"Hello! “

He moved to the right and the other young man did the same at the same time. By reflex, they moved to the left. They looked at each other to see who would finally give way to the other. The drunker of the two ended up taking a step to the side. He thanked him and continued to make his way.

"Jackson! “

He turned around, surprised to hear his first name.

"Jackson, is that right? “

"Yes, that's it. “

"You should tie your shoe."

"Oh! Yes! Thank you. “

He bent down to tie his shoelace while taking a quick look to see if the other young man was looking at him or if he had wandered away. He was still in the hallway. He got up and thanked him again. He was on his way out when he heard:

"By the way, I'm Park Jinyoung. We've been neighbors for a while but we haven't really introduced ourselves. “

"Yes, that's true. Nice to meet you. “

"The same. “

They remained silent for a few seconds before Jinyoung was, once again, the speaker.

"Good day! “

"Thank you. Good day... or maybe good night. “

Jinyoung laughed with a frank and sincere laugh as if Jackson had just said the funniest thing in the world.

"Good night would be more accurate, indeed. “

They greeted each other with a bow, and each took his direction. Walking down the corridor Jackson turned around several times to make sure of one thing. Jinyoung was moving forward with a determined step for someone who had seemed drunk just moments before as if this impromptu meeting had brought him back to his senses. He walked past two doors, including Jackson's, before stopping at the third one. It took him a while to find the right key and then he rushed into his apartment as Jackson was coming down the hall. It was indeed his neighbor on the left, the one who regularly sang in the shower in a smooth and sensual voice. He was also the one who watched dramas or movies and laughed loudly. He was also the one who had put a note on the door to tell him that he had left his keys on the door and that he had left them under the doormat. And he was also the one who came home at dawn, once a week, banging his door in his path. He would never have imagined that he looked like that. He had seen him quite tall, about thirty years old and very muscular, not very handsome. He didn't know why he had imagined such a description, maybe because he annoyed him by making noise against his door at six in the morning and this guy must have been ugly. He was wrong about everything. Since he had moved in, they hadn't met once and it was strange that it was under those conditions. They were both halves awake but not for the same reasons and he didn't expect him to know his first name. How could he have known? By instinctively looking at his watch and asking himself the question, he realized that he was going to be late. He rushed to the stairs. If he missed his bus, his whole day would be turned upside down. As he exited the building, he looked up at the sky. The day was beginning to dawn. He tightened the scarf around his neck, it was very cold, and he walked towards the bus stop thinking that it was already the last month of the year. It was December 1st and in twenty-four days, it would be Christmas.


	3. December 2nd

Jackson climbed the stairs completely exhausted. He was in a hurry to get back to bed. He had worked overtime again, he had no other choice if he wanted to continue to pay his rent and be able to feed himself. Speaking of food, he wondered what he was going to prepare for dinner. He wanted to eat something very quick so that he could join the arms of Morpheus as soon as possible. He thought about the possibilities available to him, depending on what was in his cupboards. It had become more and more of a chore to come up with menu ideas that were not too repetitive but nutritionally balanced. With the fatigue, he felt it was going to be impossible to find. He yawned down the hallway on his floor. Was his apartment usually this far away? In the middle of the walk, he saw a door open and he knew immediately who the person would be, leaving that apartment. His neighbor closed his door and he walked towards him, with a determined step. When he passed him, he just nodded his head without saying a word. Jackson followed him, in spite of himself, looking at him, not understanding his reaction. At dawn, he had instinctively called him by his first name, and now, in the late evening, he could hardly say "Hello" properly. This Park Jinyoung was really strange. How could people act so moody at different times of the day? He didn't try to understand, he already had enough of a headache. He arrived in front of his apartment and put his key in the lock. He went inside and put his things in the hall. He went to the bathroom and took a shower. When he came out of the room, he felt a little better, less tired. His headache was almost gone. He went into the kitchen and looked in his closet and came across a ready-made dish. He put it in the microwave to heat it up. A bowl and a spoon were already out. He waited for the timer to ring. He poured the contents of his bag into the bowl and moved to his couch. He turned on the TV and put on a random entertainment program. It was just to have some background noise and pictures to watch while waiting to go to bed. He finished his meal without wasting any time. It wasn't exceptional but he really didn't have the courage to cook. He put his dishes in the sink and when he saw the garbage can full and overflowing, he forced himself to throw them away. He closed the door behind him and walked forward. Again, he saw Jinyoung at the end of the corridor, coming back from the grocery store when he saw the bags in his hands. Life was really weird. He hadn't seen him since he had moved in next door to his house three months before. In two days, he had already met him three times, twice in less than half an hour. He didn't know exactly how to react, realizing how much he had confused him by his change of attitude. Yet it took a lot to destabilize Jackson's social relationships. He always managed to give the impression that he was very comfortable in all the places he frequented. He had different types of friends and acquaintances and got along with different personality types. But at that moment, he didn't know if he should smile, just to show that he had noticed that they were meeting for the second time. Or laugh to create pseudo complicity and thus break the ice of their first meeting. Or if he should ignore his neighbor. He decided to wait for the reaction of the other to find out what behavior he would adopt. His neighbor looked at him as he passed by, smiled at him, but very quickly he looked away before Jackson even gave him an answer. He hadn't considered this option. He walked down the stairs, really trying to understand what had just happened. It was very peculiar, this way of doing things. He threw out his trash cans and raised his head to the sky. The stars were not there. He took his time coming back to his apartment. He wondered when the elevator was going to be repaired. It was starting to take a long time. When he looked up, he saw a presence at his door. Not believing his eyes, he had a big doubt about the identity of the person. When he arrived right in front of him, he could confirm that it was indeed the reality. Park Jinyoung was waiting for him.

"Excuse me," he said. "Do you have a corkscrew?"

" Yes, normally. “

He entered his apartment leaving the door open but without the guest to enter. He went into the kitchen and searched through all his drawers until he found the much coveted object. He handed it to Jinyoung, who waited always wisely, arms folded against the doorway.  
"Thank you, I'll give it back to you right away. “

"It's not necessary. You can keep it, I have a second one. “

"No, it's just a loan. “

"It doesn't bother me and it can always be useful. “

"Are you sure?"

He nodded without a moment's hesitation.

"Thank you then..."

"You're welcome. “

"Good evening and thank you again. “

"Good evening. “

He closed the door, without even thinking about what had just happened. He went to his room to put on his pajamas. He sat down on his couch and watched the end of his entertainment show. His eyelids began to close. All he had to do was move around to get him into bed but his body seemed to weigh a ton. He had more strength to move, he let himself be caught by the force of sleep without any resistance. It was the ringing of the doorbell that woke him up and made him get up to answer. He opened the door, his eyes completely misty. It took him a while to recognize the face of his visitor even with his glasses on, or it was just because he was not expecting to see his neighbor again so soon.

"I thought it was a shame to drink alone, so I wanted to invite you," he said without a moment's hesitation as if he was continuing a conversation they had been having for a long time. "But obviously, it would be better if you spent this evening in bed. “

"Sorry..."

"No worries. It's only a postponement. “

Despite his confusion between sleep and wakefulness, he noticed that Jinyoung's attitude was different. He seemed... more sure of himself as if the World belonged to him and that he could afford to walk on it. He looked more like the young man he had met the day before.

"Yes, next time."

"Good night! “

"Good night! “

He was on his way out when he turned around and threw with a rather extraordinary nonchalance.

"You look good in glasses."

And he went home without saying anything more.


	4. December 3

Hanging from a metal bar, he began to chain the pulls by counting them one by one. He wore a black tank top and a jooging of the same color. Being less tired than the day before, he was motivated to do his weekly sport after work. His arms contracted under the effort, bringing out the sculpted design of his muscles. When he finished, he went to the pumps. Several other exercises, including abs, made up his fitness and strength training program. After several months of intense effort, he was quite proud of the results. His rib cage had grown with the development of his pectorals. His abs were much better defined and his thigh muscles had become more refined. He was following a diet that helped him keep his proportions. After sweating well, he decided to take a shower. As he entered the bathroom, there was a knock on his door. He went to open the door, surprised by this slightly late visit. He was not expecting any visitors. He found himself face to face with Bambam, his neighbor in the apartment on the right. He was more surprised than he thought he had left for Thailand at the end of the year. He had always gotten along well with him. He found him very nice, funny, eccentric, very expansive but that was what made his charm. He was very talkative but Jackson could easily compare. They met regularly for drinks and fun. Bambam was never the last one to the party. He knew a lot of people in many different places. It wasn't that surprising. Who could have forgotten him so easily?

"Hello," he said with the utmost naturalness.

"Hello..."

"You didn't expect to see me. “

"I admit that I thought I would see you again next year. “

"Change of program. “

What happened?" "What happened? “

"Pandemic. “

"What?"  
" No, I'm kidding. Pandemics only happen in movies. “

"Your plane was cancelled? “

"No, I had to work an extra week, that's why I'm here."

"Your parents must be disappointed. “

"A little. Luckily my two brothers and my sister can come and see them. And you, aren't you going to see your parents? “

"Not this year. It was impossible with work. “

"You must miss them..."

"You know what it's like..."

At that moment, they heard a "Good evening". Bambam turned around, leaving the place for Jackson to realize that it was Jinyoung who had just greeted them. They answered him in heart "Good evening. " Jackson nodded his head so that they could enter the apartment. He closed the door and heard the door next door slam. Bambam went and sat down on the sofa and said :

"He's weird, isn't he? “

"Who?"

" The guy next door. “

"A little, but I think he's shy. “

"You're always making excuses for everyone. “

He wasn't totally wrong. Jackson always justified other people's behavior, even the worst. He had a good heart, he was sincere and seeing human nature as perverse and immoral depressed him. He preferred to tell himself that everyone had their own reasons for acting a certain way. They had only been fortunate at birth to have grown up with parents who advocated respect, empathy, tolerance and human values that were important to successfully living together. He had had that chance and he measured all its impact. Out of love for his parents, he could not go against his upbringing, that's why he tried to be the most understanding. And until now, he had only come across people who were worthy of being very well known, he had had very few unpleasant surprises.

"How long has he been living here? Three months? “

"Four. “

"Wow! You've got quite a memory. “

"It's not very difficult. He moved in two days after Jaebum left."

"I'll tell you, that's not the information my brain records. “

"You can't focus on yourself, your goals to achieve, the way you dress, your apartment, and the rest of the world. "ironized Jackson.

"What do you make me look like?"

" For you. “

Bambam laughed, acknowledging that there was a lot of truth in his words. Jackson went into the kitchen to get two beers. He handed one to Bambam. His shower would be for later. The other young man took a sip and he asked:

"Has he talked to you yet? “

"Park Jinyoung? “

"Do you know his name?"

He realized what he had just said and suddenly felt embarrassed. He didn't want to give the impression of being intimate with his neighbor, even though they had had very little to talk about and, on top of that, it was just commonplace.

"He introduced himself a few days ago. “

"You got a scoop. I interviewed a good part of the building, he never spoke to anyone except to say hello. Some people think he's a savage, some think he's shy, some think he's handsome so he's mysterious. What is certain, in any case, is that he leaves no one indifferent and that it makes the neighborhood talk. “

"People really have that much to do? They don't want to leave him alone? He's polite, he's quiet, I don't see why they need to find out about him."

"For some people, gossip is their life, it's all they have left. “

"You love it too. “

"It's true and I don't have only that in my life. Fortunately. “

"I don't see why you're playing this game. He's just different, he has a right to be. If everyone lived their lives without taking care of each other, the world would be a better place. “

"Aren't you even a little bit curious? “

"Of what?"

"To know who he is. “

"No. I don't care. My life fills me up enough to go through other people's stuff. “

"Anyway, thanks to you, now I have information. “

"It wasn't voluntary. “

"Good for me. “

"You're such a gossip. “

"And I assume it."

They drank their beer and spent most of the evening together. Jackson didn't manage to shower until 2:00 in the morning. He worked the next day. It was going to be a tough wake-up call. He always wondered why Bambam came to see him during the week. And above all, why he accepted knowing that they were unable to stay together for long periods of time. Lying in bed, he thought about what he had said about his other neighbor. He didn't talk to anyone. Yet he had done so twice, and it was his initiative. The other two times he had hardly anything. Perhaps Bambam's presence had prevented him from being as comfortable as he had been the day before when he had come to offer him a drink together. His audacity had vanished. Thinking about it, Bambam was not wrong. This boy was quite strange. Despite his protests, he was intriguing.


	5. December 4th

He had slept so well last night. He didn't remember his dream exactly, but he just kept feeling like he was really happy. It was as if this feeling had crossed the border between the unconscious and the conscious to accompany him through his day. In addition, he was starting work later than usual, which allowed him to take the time to prepare himself. He hated to eat in the morning, preferring those precious few minutes for his sleep. But this morning was different. He didn't want to leave on an empty stomach. Once he had finished eating breakfast, he opened his dressing room and took several minutes to choose his outfit for the day. He went to the bathroom, turned on the heater. He took advantage of the heat before having to face the cold outside. He took his things, checked that everything was good and left his apartment. He walked slowly, looking for his phone and headset in his bag. He was already on the stairs when he finally found them. He put his helmet around his neck. He remembered that he had to come to the concierge and ask him to pick up a package while he was away. When he arrived in front of his dressing room, the concierge was already in the middle of a conversation with... Jinyoung. Seeing him again, he wondered what fate had in store for him to meet him almost every day in such different circumstances. The concierge was saying: 

"I understand, I'll see what I can do. “

"When do you think you'll be able to come by?" Jinyoung asked. 

"I don't know yet. Maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. “

Jackson saw that Jinyoung was trying to be patient, but that he was having trouble containing himself. He took a breath and smiled a little forcedly. 

"Let's say that tomorrow morning at the latest would be ideal. “

"I will do what I can. “

"I assure you that this is a very serious story. “

"I believe you and I'll do my best but I can't guarantee to come by tomorrow. “

Seeing his eyes rise to the skies, he understood better what Bambam had explained to him about his mysterious behavior and what made him so attractive to the neighbors. He gave off something a little cold but a cold that everyone respected. It was better not to make him angry. Jackson was surprised, this aspect of his personality had not yet been shown to him. He only "knew" the shy Jinyoung or the Jinyoung, full of nonchalance. Obviously, the janitor had not yet realized that it could become violent if he continued in that direction. You had to be blind or completely stubborn not to notice. 

"You're going to find a way through. You'll find a way through. I trust you. “

He had said these words as if they were irrevocable. No one could resist this order hidden under a pseudo affirmation. A shiver ran down his spine. The concierge strangely changed his attitude. 

"I will come tomorrow. In the afternoon at the latest. “

"I would be waiting for you then... "

He greeted him and left the lodge. He met Jackson's gaze at the entrance and quickly greeted him as he had done on several occasions, but he quickly looked away. It was really the same Jinyoung who had just gotten exactly what he wanted, just with the power of the natural authority of his voice? 

"Jackson hyung! "called the janitor reminding him why he was there. "Can I help you? “

"A package should arrive for me in the course of the day, can you receive it for me? “

"Yes, of course. Do you want me to show it to you? “

"No, that's okay. I'll pick it up tonight. “

"It's not a problem for me. “

He was very surprised that he was so helpful. He was often reluctant to be asked for a service when he was being paid for it. It couldn't be a coincidence, he was reaping the fruits sown a few minutes before by Jinyoung.

"No, I prefer to pick it up here. “

"Okay. IF you need anything, don't hesitate. “

"Okay, thank you. Have a nice day. “

"Good day to you too. “

He walked out of the building and put his helmet over his ears. CL's last song played in his ears. He walked up the street to the bus stop. He looked up to check that the bus was not coming. He couldn't believe it. Jinyoung was, once again, before his eyes. He had his headphones on and didn't seem to pay attention to the rest of the world. He had regained the poise he had seen in the dressing room. Jackson stepped forward, not quite sure what to do. He stopped, a little far away. He had a better chance of not being seen and not having to make a decision. He looked at his feet to make sure he didn't cross his eyes. CL's voice was replaced by that of Agnes Obel.They were two completely different styles, which proved the broad spectrum of his musical tastes. He spent his days listening to music whenever he had the opportunity. He would have liked to make his passion his profession, but not everyone could be elected in this kind of field. Even if he hadn't gone in that direction, music would continue to accompany him all his life, when he needed it the most, in his moments of loneliness and doubt. He knew he was not alone. It would be there forever until his death. He instinctively raised his head and realized that he was being watched. Completely taken aback, a strange sound came out of his mouth, but if you translated it, it sounded like this: 

"Hello!"

"Hi," Jinyoung replied. 

"Are you going to work? “

Why? Why sentences were being formed and expressed without his consent? What the hell was that? 

"No, I'm going downtown. “

"You have a problem? “

Huh? What was he talking about? 

"What do you mean? “

"I heard you say you wanted Yugyeom to come to your apartment. “

"Ah, that! I have a problem with the plumbing. “

"I see. The building is quite old, it happens. “

"That's what he told me. “

"That's why we have to fix it as soon as possible to prevent it from getting worse. “

He had left alone on the highway in a vehicle without brakes. Was he going to end up in the ditch? That had been the big question ever since he had said his "Hi". 

"That's right."

" Yugyeom is just the way he looks, but he's nice. “

"And just a little lazy. “

"Yes, that's it. " Jackson laughed. "He's still a kid. “

Jinyoung smiled benevolently but his eyes quickly focused on Jackon's coat. He discreetly checked if he had a stain. It was not the case. The bus arrived, at this moment, as a most skillful diversion for the two of them. Before going to settle down in the back, Jinyoung wished him a good day. He sat down and took a book from his bag, an extra layer to warn the others not to approach him. Jackson sat in the front, playing his music on his phone. It had turned off and he hadn't even noticed it. At that moment, a strange thought crossed his mind: he wasn't about to get another invitation from Jinyoung to drink together


	6. December 5th

The convenience store was really close by and that's what he liked about living in this neighborhood. All he had to do was walk a few yards out of the building and he could do his shopping. But that didn't mean he did it more regularly. He always ended up with several bags, filled to the brim. And since he wanted to avoid making several trips, he had obviously bought several bottles of water. He carried all this at arm's length. Fortunately, he had started working out. He only had two floors left. Why was the elevator still broken down? What was Yugyeom doing? He was supposed to call the repairman and get him here as soon as possible. At that moment, with his bags in his hands, he would have kicked his ass to get him moving. He put his groceries on the floor and looked at the stairs waiting for him. He had the impression of being Gus, on the verge of discomfort when he saw the stairs he still had to climb to bring the key to Cinderella. He motivated himself, clenching his fists tightly. He picked up his bags, put his foot on the first step and... the bottom of his bag tore. Vegetables, fruits, and tin cans fell and rolled on the ground. He looked up at the ceiling and screamed: 

"Fuckkkkk!!!!! “

He rushed over several potatoes to stop them from rolling any further. He managed to catch them, gather them together, and wondered how he was going to manage to carry everything now that everything was scattered. He was going to have to take the full bags to his apartment and pick up the rest with a new bag. When he had this idea in his head, a hand handed him a cloth bag. He looked up and saw Jinyoung. He blinked to make sure it wasn't a hallucination. It must have taken him a long time to react because his neighbor was already starting to pick up the cans and put them in the bag. In an imitation reflex, Jackson put the potatoes down and started to retrieve the rest. Within minutes, everything was put away. Jackson was on his way to pick up the cloth bag when Jinyoung took it off his hands and put it on his shoulder : 

"I'll help you," he said without looking at it. 

"Thank you, but don't you have somewhere to be? “

"I have some time ahead of me. “

Jackson took his bags off the floor and together they went up the stairs and across the hallway to the apartment without saying a word. Jackson looked for his keys and smiled to apologize for taking so long. He finally found them and opened the door. He went to put all his bags in the kitchen. Realizing that Jinyoung was still waiting for him at the door, he invited him in. He complied, joined him in the kitchen, and gave him the cloth bag. Jackson thanked him and put his purchases in the cupboard and refrigerator. When he finished, he turned to Jinyoung and asked him: 

"Do you have two minutes to have a beer with me? This is to thank you for your help. “

He nodded his head with a smile. Jackson took two beers from the cooler and motioned for him to go to the living room. He showed him the couch to sit on and handed him his beer. They remained silent, just enjoying the alcohol flowing down their esophagus. Jackson stared at Jinyoung to confirm that Jinyoung was making sure not to look at him. He could not stand long silences, so he asked: 

"Has your plumbing problem been fixed yet? “

"Yes, Yugyeom came to see this morning as I "asked him," Jinyoung explained, quoting with his fingers, which made Jackson smile. "He called a friend of his, a plumber, and in three hours it was done. “

"That's good. This proves that Yugyeom is resourceful and that he can do his job well when he is motivated. “

"I thought, exactly, the same thing. It's just a shame for him to end up having to get a little mad at him."

"He's young. Hopefully, he will get better as he gets older. “

"You say that as if you were much older. "said Jinyoung, amused. 

"I am... in my head. “

"You mean you're more mature. “

"Yes exactly. “

Jinyoung made a pout, moderately convinced. He drank another sip of his beer, looking slightly to the side as if he was checking to see if he was still being watched. 

"You don't believe me? "Jackson asked, falsely outraged. 

"I wouldn't allow myself to do that with someone I've only known for a short time. “

"It's funny but you don't seem sincere at all. And if we got to know each other a little better, I'd say you're pretty sarcastic. “

"Me? It's crazy how people always get the wrong idea about me. “

Jackson realized that he had already almost finished his beer. He had a hell of a run. His own beer was two-thirds full. He offered him a second bottle and his neighbor accepted. Jackson went to fetch it and asked for it: 

"What are his misconceptions about you? “

"Everyone thinks I'm cold and distant. Most people don't understand my dry wit and I often respond in a second degree and it doesn't pass either. “

Jackson gave him his second beer while thinking that he had never seen him talk so much at once the previous times. He found the Jinyoung again, full of confidence. 

"Some people think you're shy. “

"Who are these people? "asked Jinyoung, intrigued. 

"Neighbors..."

"And among his neighbors, would Bambam be one of them? “

"How do you..."

"How do I know Bambam? He introduced himself on the first day of my arrival and then I heard echoes about him. He is very nice but he loves to know everything that happens here. He is very friendly with Yugyeom. “

"When you see them together, you think it's obvious, they could only get along. “

"And you think like them? “

"We get along well together, but I don't know if I think like them..."

"No, I meant, do you think I'm shy?" 

"You were talking about that! Sorry, at the same time, you didn't tell me you were changing yours way. “

"Sorry, I tend to go too fast in my head. “

"Why do you want to know if I think like them? “

"Just to know..."

"You may be shy, but that's not what I've seen most in you. “

"What did you see most about me?"

"I don't know... I haven't seen enough of you to form an opinion. “

"And you would like to know me more? “

Jackson tried to figure out what he was getting at. Having no indication of the intentions of this question, he answered with the greatest sincerity, as he always did with others: 

"Yes, if you want to get to know each other. “

He drinks a sip of his beer, for a long time, without letting go of his eyes. He smiles and says: 

"That would be nice. I hardly know anyone. “

"You're not from around here?"

"No, I'm from Jinhae."

"And you're adapting? “

"I'm trying. “

He looked at his watch and stood up. Jackson did the same. 

"I have to go. Thanks for the beers. “

"It is I who thank you for your help. “

If, on occasion, you feel lonely when you're drinking. I live next door. "he says with a wink of his eye. 

"I might come over there instead of you thinking I would. “

"I hope so..."

He walked to the exit and turned around and said to her: 

"See you soon. “

Once he left, Jackson froze in place wondering exactly what had just happened. He could not analyze the situation properly. He preferred not to think about it anymore, it was much simpler. He would simply identify Jinyoung's loneliness and his need to get to know each other.


	7. December 6th

He got off the bus. He hesitated. Had he forgotten to buy things at the grocery store the day before? He remembered everything he had in his fridge and in his cupboards. Going over the list in his head, he thought that normally he had everything he needed. He set off and walked up the street. A young man ran up to him and called out to him. He turned his head and smiled. The distance between them was not very far, but he was already out of breath. Before he had even said a word, he began to laugh, with a loud and frank laugh: 

"I have to get into sports! “

"Do you want me to help you choose fitness exercises? “

"I just issued a resolution to be taken, not necessarily a decision. “

"That's what I thought." 

Jackson grabbed Youngjae by the shoulders and laughed. He had tried several times to encourage the young man to come running with him or to go to the gym. His efforts had been in vain. Youngjae was not an easy man, he had to be seduced to accept such an offer. Jackson was not the type to give up at the first obstacle, he was rather persevering. He had not yet said his last word. One day, Youngjae would give him the long-awaited answer: "Yes, I want to". 

"You're going home? "asked both of them. 

"Why do you ask? “

"If you were available, we could have gone for a drink around here. “

"I have to get up very early tomorrow. If it suits you, we go to my place, I take my shower, we eat together. “

"It suits me very well."

They entered the building, still holding each other by the shoulders. Youngjae stopped on the second floor to go into his apartment. He had a very good bottle of wine that he wanted to share. He would join Jackson later that evening. That way, he had time to take a shower and start preparing dinner. He was thinking about the menu when laughter rang out in the hallway. He looked up and saw Mark at the top of the stairs. Mark lived on the fourth floor. He had known him for almost three years. They had moved in about the same time, and he was the first neighbor he had really gotten along with. Being foreigners in this country and of the same age, they had gotten along very quickly, talking regularly about the cultural difference, homesickness and also about all the interesting and surprising things about living away from home. Mark was not very talkative, but he was a good listener and gave his opinion in an appropriate way. His responses were always moderate, never excessive. He often helped to take a step back from the situation. Jackson could say he was his friend. He would go to call him when he realized he wasn't alone. He heard Jinyoung's voice teasing him. He was surprised at the familiarity with which the handsome brunette was addressing Mark. He seemed completely at ease but not at all in the way he had been with him. He had been confident when he complimented Jackson on his glasses but there was something seductive in his voice. With Mark it was different. He was warm and intimate. He didn't know if that was why he decided to follow them down the stairs without showing up. When he walked down the hallway leading to their apartment, he was a few meters away. He saw Jinyoung elbowing his neighbor laughing. He grabbed him by the neck and approached his face, his nose sticking to his cheek while shaking him. They started running to the apartment. When he reached the door, Jinyoung put the key in the lock, stopping to stroke Mark's hair on the back of his neck with a playful pout. They rushed into the apartment and disappeared from Jackson's sight. Jackson took his time getting to the front door. He was trying to analyze the scene and understand the type of relationship that existed between his left neighbor and his friend. Mark didn't have anything for him. It was not like him to go into his private life but it didn't cost him anything to announce that he was on "excellent terms" with the new guy in the building, given the curiosity aroused by Mr. Park. He really didn't understand his attitude. He suddenly found that their relationship was unbalanced. As soon as the slightest problem occurred, Jackson rushed to Mark's house to confide in him and tell him everything. He would give a lot of details so that the person he was talking to would understand his situation. He laid himself bare, without pretense, without cheating, and expressed his feelings with the utmost sincerity. It was not necessarily an easy exercise for him, but he needed it. In exchange, Mark would give him advice or just his opinion.  
But in the end, what did he really know about him? What was he worried about? What was keeping him awake at night? What was going on inside his body when he was in pain? All of this Jackson didn't have access to because Mark locked everything, he didn't let anything personal get through. He didn't let anything through, to the point where he didn't tell him that he had linked himself to Jinyoung in some way. Jackson entered his apartment, disappointed and despondent. He must also have been a little jealous. It had taken him several months to get close to Mark and create closeness. At the same time, they may not have had the same kind of relationship with Jinyoung. Even when you look at it that way, it didn't change anything. He felt betrayed. The scene of Jinyoung's hand in the hair of the other brunette, caressing his neck in slow back and forth movements, gently, with a certain sensuality in the gesture. A shiver ran through Jackson as if it was in his hair that Jinyoung's hand had moved to caress his own neck. He reasoned, trying to forget this moment. It was time to take a shower. Youngjae was not going to be long and he was not going to be ready. Besides, he still had dinner to make. He hurried to go to the shower. The water jet was so beneficial that he could have cried. He washed his hair, massaged his scalp several times, his hand slowly went down to the back of his neck. His fingers danced gently on his skin and then grabbed on. It felt so good. The image of Jinyoung grabbing him by this part of his body crossed his mind brutally. He opened his eyes to make the vision disappear. Bad idea. The shampoo slipped into his eye openings. By reflex, he rubbed them, which was absolutely not to be done. He came out of the bathroom with red eyes. He looked in the bathroom mirror, his face looked awful. He heard a knock on the door. Damn it! Youngjae! He probably took longer than expected. He went to the front door and opened it to let him in. As he turned around, he said to him: 

"I'll get dressed, I'm coming..."

"Good evening, Jackson. “

He stopped dead. That voice wasn't Youngjae. He turned around, still hoping that he might be very good at imitating people he didn't know. Missed! The miracle of Christmas-with-fifteen-days-ahead had not happened. It was Jinyoung's physique that was in the doorway. His smile betrayed a certain amusement. Time seemed to become timeless. Jackson no longer knew what year, month, or day it was. His only thought was: Mark is now in his apartment. He suddenly felt the cold go through his body after having been suddenly very hot. He remembered that he was wearing a simple towel around his waist. He gestured with his finger while mumbling an "I'm coming back". He ran into his room, put on the first pair of underwear he could find, a pair of jogging bottoms and a hooded sweatshirt, and then returned to the hallway where Jinyoung had allowed himself to enter and closed the door. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't expect to see you." he said.

"That's what I understood. "Jinyoung replied, always amused. 

"I thought it was Youngjae. “

"Youngjae? “

"A buddy who lives here. It doesn't matter. Do you need anything? “

"Yes, condoms. “

"What?"

" I said, I need a lighter. “

"Why?"

What kind of stupid question was that? 

"Because my ass is on fire."

"What?" 

To light some candles. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't know, you don't look well."

"Sorry, I'm somewhere else. I'll get that for you. “

He went into the kitchen, turned over several drawers before finding a lighter in the back of a cupboard. He took it back to his neighbor who thanked him. 

"If you want, you can join us. "said Jinyoung. 

"For what? “

"For a threesome plan. “

"What?"

Jinyoung exploded with laughter, a sincere and powerful laugh when he saw the face of his interlocutor. 

"Jackson... I'm kidding. "he managed to say, once, his crazy laugh passed. 

"I knew it... don't worry. “

Was that really an honest answer? Even he didn't believe in his own credibility at all. Actor's talent: zero. Jinyoung was kind enough to pretend to believe him so as not to embarrass him even more. 

"I'm sorry, tonight I can't do it. I've got plans. “

"With Youngjae, right? “

"Yes, that's it. “

"If he wants to come too, you are welcome. The more the merrier... You know the rest. “

"Thank you but I have to go to bed early. “

"I understand. Next time then..."

He nodded his head and Jinyoung walked to the door to thank him again. When he opened the door, Jackson thought he heard him say, "You should greet your guests more often, shirtless," but this time he did not react. It was probably just another auditory hallucination.


	8. December 7th

It was midnight. And Youngjae was still at home. Luckily he had warned him to go to bed early. What would've happened if he hadn't? He probably would have gone to bed at four in the morning. They had eaten very well and, more importantly, they had emptied two bottles of wine and several beers together. He didn't want to imagine his face when he woke up the next morning. Between the alcohol and the tiredness, it was going to be beautiful. For the moment, he was in the present. The only one that mattered. Youngjae was such pleasant company, his smile lit up the darkness. When he felt a little lonely and gloomy in the evening, Jackson would call him regularly to get some of the warmth of his smile.

"You never get the blues without knowing why?" he suddenly asked.

"You mean everything's as usual but you don't feel well? “

"Yes, exactly. “

"Sometimes. I think it happens to everyone. “

"What do you do, then? “

"Most of the time ... I listen to music, I turn it up really loud and I start singing. Do you have that kind of feeling right now? “

"A little..."

"And you don't know where it comes from? “

"No. All I know is that I need company. “

"Is that why I'm here tonight? “

"Not at all. I really wanted to see you. “

"I'm kidding. I know that's not why. And even if it was, I'm glad you think of me as someone who makes you feel better. “

"That night was really cool. “

"Yes, I agree. “ 

He walked him to the door, opened it, and let him out. When Youngjae crossed the landing, Jinyoung walked past his apartment with a bag full of cans and beer bottles. They weren't the only ones who drank well. His neighbor had no reaction to their presence; he simply made his way to the garbage room. Youngjae hugged him one last time. Usually he was very cuddly, but with the help of alcohol, he was a walking teddy bear. He thanked him again and finally went home. 

Jackson closed the door behind him with a happy smile. He went to his room and changed into his pajamas. He heard a knock on the door. Maybe Youngjae had forgotten something. He went into the living room and saw his cell phone. He looked up at the sky and smiled. He picked up the phone and opened the door, holding it out for him to pick it up. Missed again! Jinyoung handed him the borrowed lighter. They looked at each other and smiled at the synchronization of their movements.

"You could keep it until tomorrow. It wasn't urgent. “

"I probably would have forgotten. That way, I'm sure I gave it back to you. When I asked you, I wasn't drunk, but alcohol tends to erase my memories. “

"You mean chances are you're not gonna remember this conversation."

"Pretty much. “

"You have a very low tolerance threshold for alcohol. “

"You can't imagine how much and I can be unlimited in terms of alcohol. I'm a paradox all by myself. “

"And have you also forgotten that you have just said that you are a paradox? “

"In the idea of total blackout, yes."

"So you're never ashamed of your drinking parties. “

"Never unless I'm told. “

"It's a pretty good concept. “

"Would you like to forget some things? “

"A few... like everyone else."

"It's funny, I thought you were more of a take-charge kind of guy who never feels ashamed. “

"I also have my limits. I am not without a filter. “

"Is Youngjae gone?"

"Is that really a question? “

"Not really. “

That was what he thought. It was weird to ask a question to which you already had the answer. He would surely have wondered what it meant if he had been able to do it, i.e. before midnight, sober and in good shape. 

"And is Mark still at your place? “

"Yes, he's still there. How do you know he was with me?"

" I saw you go into your apartment earlier. “

"Ah! That's how you knew..."

"Why? What did you think?"

"I thought nothing.

" Answer too fast. “

"I just thought he told you. “

"Why would he tell me? “

"Because you are friends. “

Jackson's answer led him to believe that Mark had told Jinyoung about him. He may have been knocked out, but strangely enough, the synapses in his brain had connected at that time to come to that conclusion. Why hadn't Mark talked about Jinyoung, then? His brain had gone back into "off" mode when he asked that question. He could never be counted on for too long.

"We're friends, but he didn't tell me anything. “ 

"It's true that we don't always have to tell each other everything between friends. “

"We don't have to hide everything either. “

"Mark is not that type. “

"Much more than you think. “

"I don't think so, I'm sure of it. “

How could he speak so confidently when he's known him for a few months? Tonight he had learned something: people could be full of surprise and hide behind a mask. And there was nothing you could do about it. 

"How can you be sure of that? "Jackson asked, crossing his arms. 

"I'm good at analyzing people. “

"You never know what's really going on in people's heads. “

"That's true, but you can observe them and learn a lot about them that way."

"It's not enough. They also need to talk to you about how they really feel and very few people can do that. “

"You're right. It's very rare. “

"And when you're someone who doesn't hesitate to do it, it's all the more difficult to live in a world where it can turn to your disadvantage. “

"You feel out of step. “

It was not a question but an affirmation. Jackson didn't say anything, he realized that he had revealed himself a lot without necessarily having foreseen it. That's what he was talking about. He was too outspoken, too sincere, and he felt more vulnerable than anyone who wore a shell or a shield to protect himself. At the same time, he felt that Jinyoung had told him that, just to show him that he understood what he was getting at. And then, in any case, he had said it himself, he would have forgotten that conversation the next day. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you all that. I'm a little drunk too."

" No problem. I'm a good listener. “

"I should stop confiding in strangers. “

"I'm not really a stranger. “

"Not even a week ago we hadn't even spoken. We can't say we're friends. “

"We can at least say that we are neighbors and that we discover each other. “

"Let's put it this way. “

"I'm going to go..."

"Okay. Mark is probably waiting for you. “

"In my opinion, he must already be asleep. Good night, Jackson. “

"Good night, Jinyoung. “

He closed the door by leaning against it. He looked up at the ceiling. It was time to go to bed. He was really hoping that the next day everything would be forgotten. He wasn't very proud of himself tonight.


	9. December 8th

He was curled up on his couch, paper, and pen in his hands, listening to music. He wrote down everything that was going through his head. It wasn't really a diary, but sometimes he had so many thoughts that he felt the need to clear his head. He had tried several methods: meditation, watching a movie, doing the dishes, playing a video game, but nothing worked. He had to use his last resort, the one that worked, every time: writing. He didn't have a clear idea, he just made sentences and followed the flow. As he read back, he realized that it made sense. He often discovered what was disturbing him, the origin of the problem, as if it was buried under a mountain of trivialities and superficiality. Writing revealed to him the authenticity of his feelings after he had sorted out everything that wasn't necessary. He had put about ten lines on the paper. He heard his cell phone vibrate several times, a sign of a call. He picked up the phone: 

"Yes?"

"Jackson? It's Mark. “

"Hi Mark! How are you doing?"

"Good. How are you? “

"It's okay.

"Why don't you answer your messages? “

"Sorry, I was busy all day and all evening. “

"Have you disconnected from the world again? “

"Perhaps..."

"What's wrong? “

"Nothing."

" Jackson! I know you when you turn your cell phone off, it's because you're not in good spirits. “ “

"Why are you calling me? “

"Why are you dodging the subject? “

"Because I don't want to talk about it. “

"Okay. I get it. I was calling to invite you to have lunch tomorrow at home. “

"Why suddenly? “

"Because it's been a long time. “

"Is that what it's all about? “

"Yes, why? Is there another reason?"

" Maybe you need to talk to me about something in particular. “

"I don't have anything on my mind right now, but if it comes to me later, I'll let you know. “

"What time do you want me to come around? “

"As soon as you can. I have a day off tomorrow so I don't care. “

"I'll come when I get home from work. “

"Ok, it works! Let's do it this way! See you tomorrow ! “

"See you tomorrow! “

He hung up looking at his phone. How could Mark act so well? He was calm, without any nervousness. He wondered how he had learned to control his emotions so well. Hadn't Jackson shown him enough of how trustworthy he was? Perhaps he should have shown him more explicitly. He felt that their friendship was being questioned. Why had Mark not confided about Jinyoung? What had he done wrong? They had a lot in common and Mark had helped him a lot, he would have liked reciprocity. He picked up his notebook and wrote down all his questions. Even the writing couldn't get him out of his head that he hadn't been up to the task. His friend didn't recognize him as undeniable support at his side. He got up to make himself a cup of tea. He needed a little action. A few pieces of cutlery were lying in the sink, he washed them while he waited for the water to boil. He had time to wipe them off before filling his cup. He leaned against the kitchen counter, slowly drinking his brew. He tried not to think. He was concentrating on the gifts he would send to his family for Christmas. What did his mother need? What about his father? He also had to think about his brother, sister-in-law, and niece. This year, he really had no idea. He knew that the best gift for his parents would have been to have him there and he dreamed so much about giving it to them but he couldn't afford it. He was already barely getting by financially. He loved his current life but sometimes wondered if he had made the right decision. He felt very lonely and usually went to see Mark when he missed his family too much, but his friend was far too busy at the moment. He went back to the living room and took his phone, maybe he would find some ideas on the internet. A message had arrived, much to his surprise. 

Jaebum  
Hey Jackson! 

Jackson  
Hey Jaebum! 

Jaebum  
How's it going? 

Jackson  
Fine and you? 

Jaebum  
How's the job going? 

Jackson  
Tiring. Do you still like it? 

Jaebum  
So far, it's not too bad. I'm discovering new things, making new experiences. And my colleagues are pretty, it's nice. 

Jackson  
I am happy for you. You have to take advantage of it. 

Jaebum  
By the way, I heard you got to know Jinyoung. 

Jackson  
How do you know that? 

Jaebum  
Mark told me that. 

Jackson  
Didn't he have anything else to tell you? 

Jaebum  
Are you angry? 

Jackson  
Not just surprised. He never talks and then he comes to tell you this. And I don't see how that's important. We're neighbors, we would have ended up crossing each other and talking. 

Jaebum  
You're really angry. 

Jackson  
No! 

Jaebum  
I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd take it the wrong way. I didn't mean to upset you. 

Jackson  
Sorry if you believed that, it was not my intention. I just didn't understand why meeting your replacement mattered. 

Jaebum  
That's okay. I won't tell you about him. 

Jackson  
No, that's okay. I overreacted. Yes, I got to know him, he's nice but Mark must have told you because he knows him too. 

Jaebum  
Are you going home for Christmas? 

Jackson  
No, I can't afford it. I guess you're not going home either. 

Jaebum  
No, I don't have the time. 

Jackson  
Are you getting used to the change? 

Jaebum  
I am beginning to find my bearings. Besides, I tell myself that it's for a year. Then I'll come back. 

Jackson  
You'll be able to go home, that's a good thing. 

Jaebum  
Would you like to leave for good? 

Jackson  
Sometimes I really miss my family but I don't intend to leave. 

Jaebum  
What makes you stay? 

Jackson  
Hope. 

Jaebum  
Hope?

Jackson  
The hope that something is really waiting for me here.


	10. December 9th

He opened the door of his apartment, took off his shoes, put his things in the hall and threw his coat on his chair. He let himself fall into the couch, closing his eyes after this endless day. He massaged his eyelids, they were burning from lack of sleep. He sighed, wondering why he had accepted Mark's invitation. He would so much rather have gone back to his cozy bed after a good shower. A shower is what he needed. He forced himself to get up and go to the bathroom. It took all the effort in the world to motivate him to look for clean clothes in his dressing room. He was going to Mark's house, he could afford to wear a casual outfit. He chose a tank top and a thick sweater, a little too big for him. The sleeves were longer than his arms. He settled for wide jeans as pants. He took his keys and left his apartment. He went up to the fourth floor and stopped at the second apartment. He knocked and he heard someone say, "I'm coming! “. When the door opened, he found himself facing Bambam: 

"Hey, bro! What's up, man?

He wasn't expecting to see him at all. He thought that Mark wanted to spend an evening just with him. Obviously, he was completely wrong. It wasn't disturbing that the other young man was there, he liked his presence and his energy but he was the proof that Mark didn't want to talk to him, personally. 

"Bam! Where did you put..."

Yugyeom stopped in the middle of his sentence when he saw their new guest. He smiled and approached Jackson, holding him by the shoulders: 

"It's too good that you're here, too. It's going to be really fun. “

"Thank you! " Bambam complained, "Say I'm not funny enough."

" I didn't say that. It's just that with Jackson, we're sure to have a good evening. “

He let himself be drawn towards the living room by his two balls of energy. Even before he saw him, he heard Youngjae's laughter in the room. He was on the couch with Mark and he was banging his thigh, lighting up the place as usual. 

"Look who we found at the door," Bambam shouted. 

Mark stood up and gave him a welcome hug. He offered him a seat on the couch and introduced him to several types of drinks before Jackson accepted a beer. He handed him a bottle but Jackson preferred to stand for the moment. Bambam, Youngjae, and Yugyeom were already squatting on the couch. He took a sip and tried not to appear too nervous. He didn't know why he didn't feel comfortable when he knew everyone. He felt a tension running through his whole body, taking possession of the place as one would visit an apartment before buying it. It made everything different. And it was quite disturbing not to recognize things the way he used to see them. It didn't really taste like beer anymore. Yugyeom, Bambam, and Youngjae weren't as funny as they used to be even though they were still adorable. Mark was becoming a stranger. And that couch wasn't as comforting as it used to be when he was expressing homesickness. All of his every day, décors suddenly became as fake as Truman's in The Truman Show. He felt like leaving the room and hiding under his comforter where no one would be a threat to his equilibrium anymore. He had no choice, he had to stay. He didn't want to hurt Mark and he didn't want him to be able to trust him anymore. He put down his beer and said he was going to the toilet. He walked down the corridor to the right of the living room. As he walked past his friend's room, he stopped. The door was open. He had seen it once or twice, but the room was still closed. It was very soothing with its warm pastel colors. It was very poorly furnished. The dressing room and the bed took up a good part of the space. The big white comforter made you want to throw yourself in or be pushed in... Hands giving an impulse at the shoulders. A body, shirtless, lying under another. Jinyoung looking at Mark with desire. His mouth advancing dangerously from his neck to come and chew his skin delicately and sensually to leave a mark of belonging. His tongue lasciviously descending to his nipple, giving him a small caress then a second one a little long. His mouth ending up taking it entirely to play with him at the limit of abuse. Mark moaning as he feels his lips coming to tease him but above all anticipating his future pleasure when this so gifted tongue would come to take care of his private parts...

"What you're looking for is deep down..."

The presence near his ear violently brought him out of his erotic reverie. He turned around, his heart beating at a hundred an hour as if he had been caught red-handed. A tremor went through his whole body, making his hair stand up on his skull and provoking shivers on the surface of his skin. He searched for his words but could not find them for fear of being unmasked. He was in a panic as if Jinyoung could read his mind. His neighbor smiled at his reaction: 

"The toilet, it's at the end of the corridor. “

"I know. “

"You looked lost. “

"I was just in my thoughts. “

"They sounded very fascinating.You didn't even hear me calling you. “

He doesn't say anything. He stepped aside slightly, suddenly finding the proximity to Jinyoung's body disturbing, the same proximity he had imagined with Mark. He realized the parallel, now that he was coming to his senses a little more. 

"I guess you know also where is the bathroom? “

"Yes, I know that too. Thank you..."

"I'll let you do what you have to do, I'll meet you in the living room. “

He turned around, keeping his smile on his lips. Jackson watched him walk away, mentally taking note of his buttocks. No wonder Mark became interested in him. He had the right stuff. What was he saying to himself? Why was he thinking such things? He pulled himself together and went to the bathroom. This sidekick had, at least, the advantage of making the strange feeling that had taken him into the living room disappear. In the bathroom, he looked at himself in the mirror, he wasn't at his best, but he couldn't blame it on fatigue. He noticed that his sweater was really too big, it fell slightly to the side, exposing one of his shoulders, which gave him a very vulnerable side. He tried to straighten it up without success. He dropped it. After all, the habit didn't make the monk. He went to join the others. Mark was next to Bambam, Yugyeom next to Youngjae. He saw Jinyoung leaning against the kitchen doorway, his arms crossed over his chest, in spectator mode. He seemed absorbed by the sight of Mark pinching Bambam's cheeks. He looked up and crossed his eyes, exchanging unusual complicity with him as if he was making him understand that their secret was well kept: "I know you know. But I won't tell Mark. "Jackson went to sit next to Yugyeom to take him in his arms and wring his neck. It was a completely bizarre gesture, but it was the only thing he could do without asking his brain for advice. After a few minutes, Mark asked his guests to come to the table. Yugyeom and Bambam found themselves next to each other. The host was at the end of the table. To his left, Jinyoung then Jackson and finally Youngjae. He was relieved to have this sunbeam at his side as a diversion. In this way, he would not pay attention to the couple, nor to the lie that was being played out before his eyes. 

"I prefer to say that Jinyoung helped me to make part of the meal. “

"Do you cook? "Bambam asked 

"No, not really. But Mark needed me. “

"One day, Bam should make us a Thai dish. "suggested Mark. 

"It won't be extraordinary. “

"You do well in the kitchen. “

"I tinker with my mother's help. “

"You are abusing! " exclaimed Yugyeom " Every time I ate at your place, it was very good."

" How did you two get so close? "asked Jinyoung. 

"I don't know," answered Bambam. "When we talked, we hung on straight without the need to force ourselves like a matter of course. It was a friendly love at first sight. “

"It's rare. “

"And you, Jinyoung, how long have you known Mark?"

At that moment, the principal concerned arrived with the main course, diverting the conversation by his presence. On hearing the question, he answered in Jinyoung's place: 

"A little too long, to my taste"

"You're getting tired of me, aren't you? “

"That's not what I said! “

"Yet it looked like something like that. “

"You know how I feel about it. “

Jinyoung grabbed Mark by the waist and brought him back against him. He raised his head and his partner put both hands on his face, shaking it with tenderness. He lowered his face slowly towards the face of the handsome brunette. 

"Jackson! "called Mark. 

He woke up suddenly. Mark was at the end of the table, waiting for something from him that he didn't know anything about because he didn't listen to him, preferring to imagine scenes worthy of the greatest romantic comedies or the best Thai BL dramas. Everyone had their eyes on him.

"Your plate, please. "repeated Mark.

"Ah yes... Sorry. “

He stretched out his cover. He felt a particular look on his face as if he were a fairground beast. He felt like vomiting. 

During the meal, he got up to go to the bathroom for good this time. When he went outside Mark was waiting for him in the hallway, he asked him: 

"Are you okay? “

"Yes, why?"

"Because I feel, since yesterday, that something is troubling you. “

"No, everything is fine. “

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, yes."

" You're not sick? “

"Mark! Stop it! “

"You would tell me if something was bothering you. “

"Of course. As usual. “

It was the first time since they knew each other that he was lying to him. He wasn't proud of it, but it was a win-win situation. Why did he always have to confide in him? They returned to the dining room. He saw Mark put his hand on Jinyoung's shoulder and hugged him lightly as if to send him an intimate and secret message whose meaning only they knew. And this time, it wasn't from Jackson's imagination.


	11. December 10th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my late.

It was midnight and everyone was still in Mark's apartment talking. Even Jackson. But he had thought he would be home early after dinner. He wasn't sure how he got caught up in this spiral that was preventing him from going home. Perhaps it was the energy of Bambam, combined with that of Yugyeom. Or maybe it was Youngjae's affection even in his most sudden movements. Or maybe it was the unhealthy curiosity that drove him to spot the smallest details that could confirm that "Markjin is real". Every word, every gesture could be interpreted under the angle of friendship or "And more if affinities...". Everything suddenly became suspicious. By dint of analyzing everything, he really hoped to get a definitive answer. He didn't understand why it was so important to him. He was certainly disappointed that Mark didn't tell him, but from the point of view of reason: what did it matter? Even though he was in a relationship with Jinyoung and didn't want to talk about it, it was his story, not Jackson's. Life demanded enough energy to take care of yourself, you couldn't take care of what was going on at the neighbor's house. In spite of this beautiful speech, he couldn't help but try to understand what was going on before his eyes. Bambam and Yugyeom decided to go and get beers at the supermarket despite the protests of the others. Mark took the opportunity to show Youngjae a new game on his computer. Jackson and Jinyoung found themselves alone in the living room. They didn't look at each other, they both seemed to be looking for something to say. Apart from meeting in the hallway, they hadn't exchanged anything all evening. Jackson knew that he had avoided him, too embarrassed to be surprised when he imagined him in bed with Mark. However, he couldn't see why his neighbor hadn't spoken to him once. He had been much more talkative the other times. He felt a responsibility to break the silence that was stressing him: 

"Mark is very fortunate to live here. “

"Compared to our apartments, it is much bigger. “

They ended up looking at each other, smiling at each other from this banality. And they both knew it. 

"He's doing better financially, it helps." Jackson continued, feeling a little more comfortable.

"Yeah, that's for sure. Things are easier when you have money. “

"What kind of work do you do? “

"I do a lot of odd jobs. Waiter, delivery boy, bouncer, cashier, anything that allows me to pay bills and have some free time to audition. “

"Auditions? “

"I'm an actor, basically. I trained for that. “

"It's too good! “

"It's a bit complicated right now, but I knew that when I made this choice. “

"And did you audition? “

"Yes, I've spent many of them in important roles and others in less important ones. “

"And what's your dream role?"

"That of a psychopath. A role like Hannibal Lecter."

"You don't have the looks for that. “

"Do you think I'm too commonplace?" 

"No! Not at all!" Jackson protested. "It's just that... Hopkins, he's got a special physique. He's charismatic but not handsome or charming."

"The best psychopaths are the ones you don't trust. They get exactly what they want because everyone is seduced by their charm".

"Seen in that light, you'd make a great psychopath. “

"You think I'm very charming, is that what you mean? “

Seeing Jackson's slightly lost head, Jinyoung laughed and put his hand in front of his mouth to hide his discomfort as well. 

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I wanted to lighten the mood and I did the opposite with that remark

"Don't worry, I know you're joking. Have you ever had the opportunity to have roles? “

"I played a secondary role in a play and I did a lot, a lot of figuration. Nothing impressive to put on my resume but it was a really nice experience. And it made me want to persevere even more because that's really what I like to do. “

"It's very important to do what you love. Life is short, you have to do things that make you really happy. “

"Even if it doesn't make any money? “

"Even if it doesn't make money. “

"And you, what makes you happy? "asked Jinyoung in turn.

"I give fencing lessons. “

"You do fencing? “

"Yes, I did it for a long time at a high level, and then I had to stop because of a tendon problem. Now I teach children and adults. I also have a few hours of dance classes. I practiced dance for several years at the same time. “

"I understand better why I thought you looked like an athlete. You also live from your sporting passions..."

"Let's just say it's my breath of fresh air after I leave work. “

"What do you do for a living?"

"I teach Chinese privately, I'm self-employed. “

"It's true, Mark had told me about it..."

"Did Mark tell you about me?"

"Why are you so surprised? “

"Because I realized that he really didn't talk much. “  


"He only talks about what matters to him. “

"Not always. “

"If you listen carefully, you'll see that I'm right. “

"Don't take it the wrong way. Why didn't he tell me about you then?"

Jinyoung, with his head down, lifted it up to stare at him and responded almost bluntly: 

"Because I asked him. “

Jackson was surprised by the answer. He was thousands of miles away from imagining it. He had constantly put himself in Mark's shoes. He had forgotten that a relationship is about two people, therefore two personalities, two subjectivities, two desires... His resentment and disappointment towards his friend disappeared as if by magic. He felt relieved of an enormous weight that weighed much more heavily on his chest than he thought. Strangely, by taking the same situation, his vision of things was totally reversed. He understood that Jinyoung didn't want to talk about it. He needed time to reveal such an intimate part of his life. Perhaps he was afraid of going too fast, not being sure of the seriousness of this relationship. With this new version, the anxiety that Mark wouldn't trust him became completely unreasonable once he got rid of his negative emotions. He was able to smile sincerely, not knowing what to say.

"Don't you want to ask me why?

Jackson shrugged his shoulders with detachment. 

"You don't have to answer to me. We don't know each other."

"You often allude to the fact that we don't know each other," Jinyoung remarked, amused. 

"Because it's the truth. “

"I thought you agreed that we should get to know each other. “

"I wouldn't go looking for information you don't want to give me. I know how to respect everyone's personal space. “

Jinyoung approached slightly, his head a little tilted, and asked in a very suave way: 

"What if I wanted you to invade my personal space? “

Jackson did not have time to analyze the situation. Mark and Youngjae were back in the living room, talking loudly about a playing technique that seemed so complicated that it sounded like Chinese. He started laughing in his head at his self-mockery. If it had been Chinese, he would obviously have understood it. He realized that Jinyoung had stepped back and he seemed perfectly natural. At that moment, Yugyeom and Bambam returned with the beers and the evening ended at two o'clock in the morning. When he woke up in the morning, he was hungover, with vague memories of the day before that looked like a waking dream. Despite the general fog, the first question that came to his mind was: Had Jinyoung flirted with him?


	12. December 11th

He was eating popcorn on his couch, watching an American series on Netflix, without subtitles. It had been a particularly long day. He had taken Chinese lessons, then two fencing lessons, and finally two dance lessons. It was almost eleven o'clock when he got home. He had rushed to take a shower and slumped down on his couch after eating the previous day's leftovers. The series was about chess in the sixties, he didn't understand the strategies but that wasn't the most important thing. The actress was charismatic, the character had incredible confidence to navigate in this purely masculine universe. Without giving the aspect of it in its treatment, this series had a feminist aspect. Her plot remained gripping without the need to point out to the viewer what was in front of his nose. And that's what he liked when the series or films sent back a message in the form of entertainment. This was also the case for Bong Joon Ho's Parasite. It was the kind of film that offered actors roles that were worthy of their talent. While making this reflection, he inevitably started to think about Jinyoung. He had managed not to do it all day long. Now that he was sitting in his living room, it was not easy to dodge the subject. He put his hand on his forehead, blowing with despair. Why was it constantly spinning in his head? Jinyoung was with Mark. There was nothing to think about. He must have been wrong about everything. Yet a simple sentence uttered by his mouth, that damn sentence was destabilizing him in his loneliness. What was he going to do with this information? What was the purpose? Was it a clumsy way to make him understand that he really wanted to know him? After all, he was Mark's friend. That must have been it. He had to stop making up movies. Besides, he should concentrate on his series. He had just missed several minutes of being in his thoughts. He was going to go back when there was a knock on the door. As he opened it, he wondered if it was a coincidence or a sign of fate. He raised his eyes to heaven and prayed that he would become rich, maybe his wish would also be granted. 

"Sorry to bother you," Jinyoung said. "I came to see if you have electricity. You obviously do. “

"The fuses have blown? “

"Yes, I tried to find the fuse box but in the dark with the laptop, it's not easy. “

"I know where it is, do you want me to show you? “

"Yes, that would be really nice. “

Jackson took his phone and keys before leaving. He entered Jinyoung's apartment with some apprehension. He wasn't afraid of the dark, but he wasn't a fan, either. The darkness was a sign of unexpected events. Thanks to the lamp on their phone, they could see ahead of them. The configuration was the same as in his apartment, only the layout of the space was different. He could see that everything was tidy and orderly. 

"It's up to you. "said Jinyoung. 

He went instinctively to the kitchen but he didn't go to the front, he continued on his way, he took the corridor leading to the bedroom. He suddenly stopped in front of the wall, looked up to make sure he was in the right place. He turned around, pointing to a black box with his finger. He was surprised by the sudden presence of Jinyoung just behind him. He had turned off his telephone lamp and was guided only by Jackson's. He was surprised by the sudden presence of Jinyoung right behind him. Jackson moved backward but his back soon touched the wall. By reflex, he had lowered his arm, reducing the brightness in the room. It seemed like a very long time, even if it was only for a very short time. He felt Jinyoung's breath on his skin when he said: 

"Sorry, I didn't think you were going to stop. “

He walked away and Jackson's breath came back to fill his lungs. His neighbor raised his head and approached the black box. He reached out his hand, but it was much too high. 

"I'm going to get a chair. “

It took a few seconds before he came back. Jackson wondered if he should go home, now that he had helped. Seeing Jinyoung get on the chair and push the button to turn on the fuses, he thought he could wait a little longer. He was right because the light did not come back on. 

"Shit! "Jinyoung swore. 

He came down from the chair in despair. 

"I think the problem is more complicated than blown fuses. “

"How are you going to do it? “

"Tomorrow, I will tell Yugyeom and in the meantime, for tonight, I will go to a hotel. Damn it! I really didn't need that. “

"Why don't you go to Mark's?"

"He's out of town on business for several days. “

"Do you know of anyone who could take you in? “

"No. I'm going to get a room, no choice. “

"If you... If you want, you can come to my house. “

Jackson, what are you doing? What? We're not gonna leave him in the shit when you have a couch? You're not gonna complain later! Complain about what? Yeah, pretend you don't understand yourself. 

This exchange with himself lasted the time of the young man's response in front of him. 

"I don't want to disturb you. “

"You don't bother me. I have a bed and a couch. “

"I'm really sorry. “

"It's not your fault. Grab a few things. I'm going back to my apartment. “

"Jackson?"

"What?" 

He didn't exactly see the expression on his face because of the darkness, but he heard it in his voice, a mixture of sincere gratitude and... excitement. Without visual clues, he could be completely wrong. 

"Thank you," he said. 

"No worries. Hurry up and get your stuff."

Why was he so rude to him? He realized that he was a little rough in the way he spoke to him. Everyone found him very sociable, envying his ability to get along and fit in wherever he went. He knew how to make others laugh and his intelligence was reflected in his repartee. He was at ease in the group, but it was enough for Jinyoung to show up and he lost his ability to react as he always did. He was no longer able to be himself and felt lost in his own behavior. He left the room without shaking his head. He had promised himself that he would not complain about this proposal. After all, what was he really afraid of? It was only for one night. When Jinyoung knocked on his door again, he was getting the couch ready. He had a backpack on his shoulder containing his things for the night. He wondered what he was wearing to sleep. He shook his head again. 

"I can help you? “

"I'm almost done. Come with me to my room."

"What for? " suddenly panicked Jinyoung. 

"To drop off your stuff. “

"Oh, right. “

Jackson did not dwell any further on his overreaction. Jinyoung followed him. Jackson opened his wardrobe and took a pillow from the top of a shelf and presented him with his bed: 

"Make yourself at home. The bed is yours. “

"No, it's okay, I'll sleep on the couch. “

"My apartment, my decisions. No discussion possible. “

Jackson, relax... he's your guest, not some five-year-old kid you boss around. 

"The bathroom is in the same place as yours," he says less abruptly. 

"You're up early tomorrow? “

"Around eight o'clock. What about you? “

"I'm not working right now but I have an audition in the morning. “

"I hope everything goes well for you. Good luck to you. “

"Thank you. “

"If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask me. “

"Are you sure you want to leave me your bed?"

"I assure you the couch is comfortable. If you're cold tonight, the blankets are in the wardrobe. Have a good night! “

"Good night! “

He took off his sweater, he would be too hot in the night. He preferred to sleep with his tank top and pajama bottoms. He settled down in the blankets and turned off the light in the room. He quickly fell into a deep sleep, so deep that he didn't realize that a hand came and pulled his hair out of his eyes before gently caressing the back of his skull. He didn't know, either, that this presence remained at his side for several minutes, just to memorize the smallest details of his face in order to take it with him wherever he would not be.


	13. December 11th

He heard his alarm clock go off. He didn't want to get up, he wanted to stay wrapped up in the blankets, sheltered, warm. He rubbed his eyes to open them gently. At once, he wondered what he was doing on his couch. He must have fallen asleep watching a show again and then he remembered that he had a guest in his room. At that thought, he got up quickly. He was ready to start his day. He went into the kitchen and made himself a coffee. He drank several sips, standing against the counter. He took his cup with him and took it into the bathroom. He put it on the napkin cabinet. He took a quick shower before putting on his jeans, a red T-shirt, and a white wool sweater. He retrieved his cup, opened the door, and bumped into a torso as he walked out of the room. His coffee cup spilled directly on the white of his clothes. 

"Shit! Shit!" Shit!" he said, looking at the brown spot that was gradually forming. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! "Jinyoung apologized, stepping forward to try to do something about it. 

"That's okay. It happens! “

"I didn't know you were there. “

"It's my fault, I shouldn't have taken my coffee with me. “

He put down his cup, took off his sweater and T-shirt, seeing that it was stained. He put them in his basket of dirty clothes. He walked over to Jinyoung who did not move. When he realized Jackson's intention, he moved to let him pass and followed him to his room. 

"I'm really sorry. I'll wash your clothes for you later, after my audition. “

"I'm going to do it right away so it doesn't get stuck," Jackson said as he looked for new clothes in his closet. He hesitated between a black shirt and a white shirt to put under his sky-blue sweater. 

"You should take the white shirt, it would go better with your sweater. “

"Thank you for the advice. “

He puts the shirt on in a very classy movement. He buttoned the middle button first, which formed a neckline upwards and you could see his abs through the opening at the bottom. He closed the second button with a certain slowness. His fingers touched his skin at times, caressing his abs. This shirt perfectly fit the shape of his muscular torso. 

"You should let me do it," Jinyoung said. 

"What ?"

"You should let me do it. "he repeated. 

"Let you do what?"

"Wash your clothes. I still have time before I go to the audition. “

"Are you sure? I can do it quickly. “

"No, I assure you. Besides, I feel guilty enough as it is. “

"If you don't mind...That way I'm sure I won't be late. “

Once his sweater was put on, he left the room to return to the living room. He took his jacket and his bag, he put on his sneakers. When he looked up, Jinyoung was not far away. 

"Shit about the audition. See you tonight. “

"I hope my electrical problem will be fixed. “

"Yes, that's true, of course. You're going to go back home. If I don't see you again, I'll see you later."

"Good day and thanks again for the welcome tonight. “

"No problem. Bye! “

He went out of his apartment and started running to make sure he didn't miss the bus. He recognized the driver, who took him home at the end of the evening. He climbed the stairs, less energetically than he had done that morning. Why were there so many stairs? When he reached his floor, he blew a good blow to catch his breath. He really had to get back into jogging, his cardio was not good at all. He crossed the corridor and found himself in front of his door. He looked at his neighbor's door. He was tempted to ring the bell to hear about the hearing. Considering the time of day, he was probably having dinner. He would go visit him a little later. He put the key in the lock and was surprised that the door opened when he hadn't even unlocked it. He understood why when Jinyoung appeared in front of him. 

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," he replied as he entered his apartment. "What are you doing here? “

"I wanted to surprise you. “

After dropping off his belongings in the entrance hall, he moved to the dining room where dinner was waiting for him. He turned to Jinyoung: 

"Did you cook for me?"

"I'm not the best cook in the world, but I'm getting by and I didn't really know how to apologize for this morning and thank you for yesterday. “

"It wasn't necessary. It was my pleasure to help you. I wasn't going to let you get a room when I could take you in. “

"Not everyone would have done it for a stranger." 

"What if I wanted you to invade my space? "This sentence suddenly came back to the fore. He tried to make it disappear with a very cheerful expression: 

"How about some food? It makes me want it too much. “

They sat down around the table and began to enjoy the meal. Jinyoung was right, he wasn't the best cook but it was good and above all it was done with the heart and you could feel it in his kitchen. She was sincere, without frivolity or superfluity. Someone hadn't taken care of him in this way for a long time and it was comforting. He treasured this feeling deep inside to remember it when he was feeling blue or homesick. 

"The day has been long ?" Jinyoung asked, realizing that he must have been in his thoughts. 

"A little but less than yesterday. And you, your audition? “

"I don't know. I will see it. I'd rather not get too excited. With experience, I've learned not to say too much so as not to be disappointed. “

"I understand. You're afraid of jinxing yourself. “

"I've become a little superstitious “

"What do you like so much about being an actor? “

"I don't know. “

"You don't know? “

"No. Some will tell you that they like to change, to become someone else. Another, the opposite of who they are. Or they will tell you that they like to get deep down inside themselves, emotions that they bury and prevent themselves from expressing in reality. For some, it is the star system that attracts them, the fame, the fact of being known and recognized. For me, I don't know. “

"What do you feel when you play? “

"I just feel... free. “

"Free? “

"It's as if every day I'm constantly being oppressed as if I'm being pressed so hard on my chest that I can't breathe. And then I find myself reciting a text, the words reflected and written by another. It's fluid, constant, no hesitation, no stuttering, so I feel free, strong. And suddenly I am no longer afraid. I can, paradoxically, be myself".

With his eyes in the air, he had let himself be carried away by his speech, not mastering much anymore. He turned to Jackson and smiled: 

"You must think I'm weird..."

He nodded his head vigorously. He was speechless, after listening to him attentively. He was touched in more than one way. He didn't know why it echoed so much in him. 

"No, I don't think you're weird. On the contrary..."

They finished their plates, cleared out, and Jackson did the dishes while Jinyoung wiped them. It was not yet midnight when they met at the front door. 

"Thank you for dinner. “

"It was a pleasure. “

"See you later? We could go out for a drink. “

"Yeah, I'd love to. “

"Good night! “

"Good night! “

When he was gone, he went to take a shower. When he came out of the bathroom with a towel in his hands to dry his hair, he realized that his trash can was overflowing. He closed the bag and decided to go to the garbage room. When he returned, he passed Jinyoung in the hallway with a suitcase in his hand. 

"Where are you going?

"I rented a hotel room. “

"Why?"

"Because I still don't have electricity."

" How come? “

"Yugyeom told me he couldn't do anything, he had to call in a professional. The electrician wouldn't come for several days. “

"Why didn't you tell me? “

"You didn't ask me. “

Is it true why he didn't ask him? Why did he assume that his problem was solved?

"Jinyoung?"

"What?"

"Do you want to live with me?"


	14. December 14th

"Do you want to live with me?" 

He realized the wording of his sentence. 

"I mean... you can live with me for a few days. “

"It's very nice of you but I'm going to end up disturbing you. “

"Don't be silly. I wouldn't have offered if I thought so. Besides, I'm sure Mark would rather have you in my house than in a hotel room. “

"I don't see how that's any of Mark's business. “

"If he had been there, you would have been at his place and since we're friends, it's normal that I propose you in his place. “

"If you're doing this for Mark, don't bother."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You're right, it has nothing to do with him. If I'm offering you, it's because I really want you... I mean I really want to help you."

"You didn't say anything wrong. I just wanted to let you know that you don't owe me anything just because you and Mark are friends. “

"And I just wanted to let you know that it is on my own initiative and not motivated primarily for that reason. “

"In this case, there is no risk of misunderstanding between us. “

He nodded his head with a smile. He took the suitcase from Jinyoung's hands, drove it to his apartment, and opened the door without closing it, letting his neighbor know that he could come back. He put the suitcase in the bedroom and opened his dressing room, took out some clothes, and put them on another shelf: 

"What are you doing?" Jinyoung asked. 

"Room for you to put your things. “

"No need. I can just use my suitcase for storage. “

Jackson turned to him and made a face that meant, "Are you serious? Do you really think I'm going to accept the situation?" He walked over and put the suitcase on his bed and opened it. 

"Go for it! I'll leave it to you. “

"Are you going to sleep on the couch again? Are you sure you don't want to leave it to me? “

"Do you think things have changed in the meantime? “

"Otherwise ... we could sleep ... together. The bed is big enough for both of us. If it's not embarrassing for you. If it makes you feel better, I don't snore, talk or move in my sleep. “

"Uh... yes, we could do that. “

"It's just a proposal. If you're uncomfortable..."

"Why would I be uncomfortable? Have I done something that would make you think that?"

"I didn't say that..."

"I don't have to worry about sleeping with someone or... with you. It's settled. “

He left the room, a little hastily, leaving the beautiful brown unpacking his suitcase. He found himself in the kitchen, taking a beer from the fridge, he opened it in one gesture and took a long, slow sip. He wiped his mouth with his hand and tried to catch his breath after having been in apnea, he closed his eyes. He had the impression that he was no longer in control of anything. Why did he need a beer? He must not have thought about his actions from the moment he came out of his room. He didn't finish his beer, he threw it in the sink and turned off the light before going to bed. Jinyoung had finished putting his things away and showed him his pajamas to indicate that he was going to take a shower. Jackson fell heavily back into bed and looked up at the ceiling. He was going to sleep with this person with whom he had never spoken thirteen days before. He wondered if the events were written by divine power. Was someone getting on his computer and deciding what was going to happen to him? How long had he or she been thinking about meeting Jinyoung in this way? What was that person planning for them to do next? Would he or she be lenient? Was he or she going to make them suffer? Would he or she decide that their meeting would be temporary or would it be permanent? And what form would it take? A simple acquaintance? A short friendship? A long and lasting friendship? Or something else? Jinyoung came out of the bathroom, stopping his thoughts. He smiled, settled down to his left then he lay down and slid under the covers. He turned to him and asked: 

"What are you doing tomorrow? “

"I have to go to the bank and I know someone who needs a waiter in the evening for his bar. "said Jinyoung. 

"Are you going to work? “

"Yes, just a few hours a day. That's exactly what I need. “

"It's cool for you. “

"If you want, you can come and see me? I'll buy you a drink. “

"You're already offering to buy me a drink when you're not even working yet. "says Jackson, amused. 

"I know the bartender a little bit, and he won't mind. You can bring Bambam if you want. “

"So that's two drinks to give away. He's a really generous bartender."

"I didn't say I was buying Bambam a drink. "replied Jinyoung, starting to laugh. 

Jackson did the same. He didn't expect that. He felt much more relaxed. He didn't know why he feared potential tension when it was so natural for them to talk as if they had known each other for a long time. 

"I wanted you to come with him so you wouldn't be alone while I was working. “

"I'm going to propose without telling him that my drink is free for me. “

"It's time to turn it off, isn't it? You get up tomorrow morning. 

"Yes, you're right. “

He stretched out his arm to press the switch. He moved a little to recover and closed his eyes. He felt Jinyoung come closer and said: 

"Thank you, Jackson Wang"

Then he turned to the side and did not move. Jackson smiled before falling deeply asleep. 

He was on the bus, sitting in the back, his headphones in his ears. He was looking at the landscape so well known, scrolling by. The song he was listening to was catchy, he had only one desire: to start dancing. He tried to project in his head the possible choreography he could propose to his students for the next time. He had some good ideas but he was not sure that it was possible given the level of the young people. He should simplify it to make it accessible. He imagined himself, in the middle of the bus, doing more complex movements one than the other. This moment would allow him to get out of his usual routine. His phone vibrated towards the end of the song. He looked and saw a message. 

Mark  
Hi! how are you doing? 

Jackson  
Fine and you? 

Mark   
Same thing. Are you at home? 

Jackson  
No on the bus. Why not? 

Mark  
I would have called you to talk a little longer. 

Jackson  
Aren't you working today? 

Mark  
I start in the early afternoon and finish very late at night. 

Jackson  
And how is it going? 

Mark  
Lots of meetings, endless debates, but I signed up for this. How's your job going? 

Jackson  
As usual but I decided to take a few days before the 25th. 

Mark  
Cool! How much? 

Jackson  
I will be on rest from December 22nd to 26th. 

Mark  
You'll be able to breathe a little.

Jackson  
It's clear, I need it. When will you be back? 

Mark  
I don't know yet. Normally in four days but it could be longer. 

Jackson  
You're going to be happy to come home. 

Mark  
I don't know how I'm going to make it this long. By the way, Jinyoung is living with you right now. 

Jackson  
He must have told you why I suggested it to him. 

Mark  
Yes, I am aware of that. I was glad to know that he was with you, rather than at the hotel. 

Jackson  
It was the best solution. Ideally, he probably would have preferred to be at your place. 

Mark  
Not sure. 

Jackson  
What do you mean by that? 

Mark  
Jackson, I'm really sorry. I have a very important phone call to make. I'll talk to you later. 

Jackson  
Okay, it works. See you later. 

Mark   
See you later. 

He looked at his phone, a little surprised. He didn't believe, for a moment, this suddenly urgent call. Maybe he and Jinyoung had had a fight before he left and he didn't want to talk about it. Whatever the reason, he was sure that Mark was hiding something from him.


	15. December 14th

It was Sunday and he wasn't working. It was very nice to have time to do things. He woke up without any help from the alarm clock. He stretched himself out slowly like a cat, happy to have been able to sleep as much as he wanted. The sun diffused its rays through the shutters, making him want to enjoy this beautiful day. He thought about the day's program. He turned slowly to the side and found himself face to face with Jinyoung. The latter had to move during the night and get closer without him noticing. He was so close that Jackson didn't dare to move. He had a very precise view of his face. His closed eyelids had a nice color that was darker than the rest of his face. His nose gave him a determined look, compensated by his sweet and sincere smile. He had to admit that he had very few skin imperfections. He was sure that his neighbor must have had some success with the female population... and male too. He would have liked to look like him. It's not that he had an ungrateful physique, but it was difficult to find a physical defect in Jinyoung. He lingered particularly on his pulpy and perfectly drawn lips. Some mangakas should be inspired by this for their male character. He stood up on his elbow and put his head on his hand to have a more global vision of the whole. His hair was made to be caressed. To Jackson's surprise, Jinyoung opened his eyes slowly, quickly realizing that he was being watched. To avoid any possible discomfort, Jackson hurried out of bed to get his things. As he gathered his pants and sweater, he smiled and asked : 

"Did you sleep well?

Jinyoung nodded his head, with a big smile, and stretched all the way down. 

"Do you want to have breakfast? “

Jinyoung nodded his head a second time, smiling more broadly. 

"I'm going to take my shower and we're going to do this together. “

"Okay. I'll be waiting for you. “

Jackson looked in his dressing room for clean underwear. When he found them, he turned around and saw Jinyoung who had left the bed. He noticed that one of the buttons on his pajama shirt was undone, revealing the shape of his pecs. No one could be mistaken, Jinyoung had been working out regularly. He remained fixated on this unexpected sight, wondering why the beautiful brown didn't highlight such a well-sculpted body. He never missed an opportunity to show how well he was keeping himself in shape. Realizing that his neighbor also had his eyes on him, he went back into action. He walked past him on his way to the bathroom. In the shower, he began to rethink the details of that near-perfect face. What was so different from his own that it caused such a gap between their beauty? Obviously, genes played an important role, not having the same father and the same mother changed things. Not only that. Jinyoung exuded something special, a charm full of elegance, which was not the case for Jackson, having rougher, more marked, more masculine features. That didn't stop people from saying he was cute whenever he started smiling or laughing. He had to stop thinking about that. What was his problem? Why was he suddenly comparing himself to his neighbor? He felt as if he had had a revelation that could turn into an obsession. If he stayed focused on the physical distance between them, it wouldn't be good for him. He turned off the tap, it was time to wipe off and get dressed. He was surprised that Jinyoung was already dressed, once he had finished getting ready. His bed was impeccably made. He had had to stay longer than expected in the shower. He was on his way out of the room when Jinyoung interrupted him, placing his hand against the doorway, forming a barrier. 

"Can I ask you a question?"

His breath smelled like freshly drunk beer, which surprised him. What would make someone drink that early in the morning? He wondered if he wasn't an alcoholic. On closer inspection, he had seen him regularly with alcohol in his blood, in varying degrees. He knew that addicted people needed their dose at all times of the day. 

"Why were you looking at me this morning?"

"What do you mean? “

"I know you were watching me in my sleep. “

"It's not what you think..."

"And what do I think? “

"You said it yourself, you think I was watching you sleep, but it's not exactly like that. “

"I can't wait to hear your explanation."

He couldn't wait to hear it either because he had no idea where he was going. Probably right into the wall. At least he was aware of it. He really had to look for a coherent answer quickly without expressing the details of his true thoughts. 

"I didn't want to wake you up and I couldn't get out of bed so I naturally turned to you. And I got lost in my thoughts and you thought I was watching you sleep. “

He wasn't sure if he had been able to convince him. His mission was not totally accomplished. Jinyoung seemed perplexed. He would have given all his money against his thoughts. Given the misery in his bank account, he would not have had access to much. He tried to deepen his explanation to silence his suspicions for good: 

"I often think and people think that I'm watching them or I listen to them tell their life story like you watch a TV series. I don't realize when I do that, I get completely carried away and I lose track of reality. “

"And when it happens to you and they surprise you, how do they react?"

"He often looks at me insistently, so I look away from them so as not to make them feel uncomfortable. “

"And you've never had a problem? “

"No, never. I should be careful because it could create a misunderstanding. “

"Like with me, for example? “

"Yes, here it is!"

" Ok, I understand. I just have one last question. “

"Which one? “

"When you look at these strangers, are you almost two inches away from their faces? “

Shit! Shit! He was trapped in beauty. How could he not have noticed he was so close? And even if he had gotten closer, he was sure he had had time to get away fast enough for Jinyoung to notice. What was he going to be able to say to justify this? He was beginning to feel uncomfortable, he was dodging those brown eyes that were trying to read his mind. 

"That's... that's why I couldn't get out of bed. You were already close to me and you had to move in your sleep, I didn't do anything special. I didn't want to wake you up by pushing you and I didn't know... I didn't know what to do."

Jinyoung smiled as he pulled his arm out of the way. He simply said in a completely neutral tone and unrelated to the conversation he had just had : 

"And if we were going to eat! “

And he left him alone to go into the living room. Jackson was stunned, his arms dangling. He was not expecting that answer at all. He made a face that meant, "What was that? “. Jinyoung lost him completely on the path they were both on. He gave him no indication of where they were going or how to get there. And he ordered him to follow him blindly, trusting him completely. It was just unlikely, since he didn't know him, that he would ever give him the reins and let himself be led. Yet part of him was ready to accept the deal, for no apparent reason. Was this what was called insanity? It sounded a lot like him. Fortunately for him, only a part of him was contaminated. The other part was still sane and was leading the game, taking over the other part. He wondered if it would remain dominant or if one day it would topple over and give in to the uncontrollable? 

"Jackson! "called his neighbor, "Are you coming? “

He had again let himself be drawn into his thoughts, forgetting the notion of time. He was going to have to be wary, he had found himself in an embarrassing situation because of this functioning. 

After eating, they met in the living room. Jinyoung was on the sofa with a book in his hands while Jackson, sitting on the floor, wrote down in his notebook everything that was going through his head. The sun was still shining outside and he thought it was a shame not to take advantage of it. He went to tell Jinyoung that he was going for a walk. He saw him so absorbed in his reading that he didn't dare disturb him. He wondered what universe he was visiting thanks to his imagination. Wherever he was, it must have been very interesting for him to be so involved. He turned the page slowly, his fingers touching the paper with an uncommon delicacy. It was almost erotic sensuality. 

"You're still observing me," Jinyoung remarked, surprising him in his reverie. 

He wasn't going to fall into the same trap twice. He wouldn't go there again. 

"I'm going to go running, I'll take my keys in case ...".

"Can I come with you? "Jinyoung asked. 

"Do you like running? “

"Yes, I jog regularly. “

"If you want... I'll have a company like that. “

"I'm going to change before," says Jinyoung, closing his book dryly. 

He got up and went to the room. When he came out, he was dressed for a run. 

"Shall we go?

" Let's go! “

They left the apartment and ended up coming back very late at night, after a stopover to get their coats. They hadn't just been running, one thing leading to another, they had spent the whole day outside in spite of the cold, not seeing the time to be together.


	16. December 15th

He entered the bar without knowing exactly why he had made this decision. Only a few people were present. From the first few seconds, he fell in love with the place. He liked the atmosphere because of the slightly retro decoration which gave it all its charm and that's what he liked the most. He stayed on the spot to admire the place before a waitress came to welcome him. He told her that he was coming for a drink. She accompanied him to a table. He settled down and took the drinks menu in his hands. He chose quite quickly. In the meantime, the waitress or the waiter, turned to the side of the counter to take an interest in the employees' merry-go-round. He had recently noticed that people working in a bar or restaurant had more or less identical profiles no matter what establishment they were in. He had spotted the character of the manager, male or female, classy and cool. He or she gave directions, knew everyone, and had a charismatic aura. In short, he or she was the Big Boss of the room, impossible not to notice him or her. One of the bartenders always had a "hippie" look, long hair, and a beard several days old. The guy was charming and relaxed and gave the impression of working intensely when, objectively speaking, he was just doing his job. One of the waitresses on the waitressing staff was always pretty, she was a real eye-catcher despite the banality of her beauty, that of classic standards. Her male counterpart played the game of seduction with both customers and colleagues. The latter tried to put a certain distance even if they seemed to be flattered as soon as he gave them a compliment. It was hard to resist that charming smile. Another recurring profile was that of the master waiter, who was immediately forgotten once the order was on the table. Yet he was the one who worked non-stop while the others chatted and laughed together. He wasn't part of the general atmosphere either because of extreme professionalism or because the group didn't want to include him. He felt sorry for himself because no one noticed his determination to give 100%. This type of employee also existed in a female version. In this table, all that was missing was the figure of the employee, still a student, doing this kind of work to pay for his studies. He was the "baby" of the group, he was easily forgiven for his mistakes because of his lack of experience. This position would soon be replaced, the following year, by a new one. At that moment, the baby became a man and he had no more interest in making mistakes at the risk of being severely scolded. Concentrating on his sociological study, he didn't realize that a young man, with a feline and elegant gait, was coming towards him with a big smile. If he were to add it to his study, Jackson would have said that it was an exceptional case. No one had such a level of charm. There were no other references in other bars. He was the only one who could make his heart race with joy just by seeing him: 

"I didn't think you would have come so soon," Jinyoung admitted, with an apron around his waist and a white shirt with a black tie that made him particularly attractive. 

"I wanted to relax a bit. I thought I'd take you up on your offer to come and see you at work. “

"Bambam is not there? “

"He was busy," lied Jackson, who had completely forgotten to invite him. 

"It'll be the next time. And then... the invitation was mainly for you."

Jackson wasn't sure what he'd heard. Was it just a harmless phrase or did it imply that this invitation was special? As usual, Jinyoung quickly moved on to another subject, leaving him no time for further reflection.

"What do you want to drink?

"A glass of red wine. “

"Which one? “

"I leave it up to you. “

"Do you want anything to eat? “

"Not at the moment. “

"Are you sure? Gift of the house" he says with a wink. 

"You're going to get fired if I don't pay. “

"Who said it wouldn't get paid? “

"You told me that..."

"The drink is on the bar's tab, but the rest is on me. “

"You're the one who treats? “

"Exactly so you can choose whatever you want. “

"I'm really just going to have the glass of wine. I'm going to think about what to do next. “

"As you wish..."

"I guess you can't drink with me. “

"I'm on duty, but in a couple of hours, if you're still here, we could toast together. “

"I'll wait then..."

Jinyoung went to place his order with the bartender. He came back with a red liquid in a very nice glass. He turned the robe of the wine in an elegant movement as if he were a specialist, which he was absolutely not, but at least he managed to make Jinyoung who put his hand in front of his mouth. He took a sip and made a face like a child, tasting lemon for the first time. His expression had the effect of doubling his neighbor's laughter. When he saw him laughing himself to death, he felt like the funniest man in the world. And it was very flattering and rewarding for his ego. He wished he could have made him laugh like that indefinitely. He was convinced that he would never get tired of this show that was so nice to watch. 

"You really don't want anything to eat? “ Jinyoung asked again.

"I'm seriously thinking about your proposal and I think it wouldn't be a bad idea. “

"What do you want?"

"You... “

"What?"

"You, what do you propose to me? “

"We have delicious guacamole with chips, it goes very well with wine. “

"I'll take that. “

"Or you have shrimp with a homemade mayonnaise sauce. “

"Wine and mayonnaise, are you sure about your mixture? “

"Yes it is true. It might not be very good. “

"I think I'll have the guacamole. "

"If not, how about a plate of cheese? “

"Much better. I'm a cheese King. I'll take this. “

"Duly noted! “

Jackson takes a sip. He was going to drink it slowly. He saw Jinyoung say something to one of the waitresses, she laughed and put her hand on his shoulder. They seemed to get along very well. When her hand slipped down his back, he was surprised. She looked familiar and it didn't seem to bother the handsome brunette. On the contrary, he came and whispered something in her ear. What if he had been wrong all along. What if Mark was nothing more than an acquaintance with whom Jinyoung was very tactile? In the corridor, at the distance he was, that famous evening, he may have misinterpreted his gestures. Yet he was sure of the ambiguity of the situation. But this closeness with his colleague put a doubt in his mind that weighed heavily on his stomach. Perhaps she was the one who was entitled to his favors. He had been overreacting when he found out about Mark because it called into question his entire relationship with him. It was explainable. But in this particular dispute, he didn't see how it concerned him. He had no particular link with either of the two protagonists, so why did he feel a very subtle form of betrayal, seeping through his veins like poison? Or maybe Jinyoung was with Mark but he dared to be hit on by the other young woman. It made him angry about his friend. He didn't deserve to be betrayed like that. Jinyoung was certainly very handsome, but that didn't give him the right to play with other people's feelings and bodies like vulgar toys, abandoning them after buying them. He came back with the cheese plate, very happy, and put it in front of him. Jackson couldn't help but make a comment: 

" It seems to have a good atmosphere here? "

"We're a good team. It's nice to work in these conditions. “

"She is pretty. “

"Who?"

"Your colleague. “

"Do you like her? “

"I didn't say that. “

"So what did you want to say? “

"Just that she was pretty and you two look good together. “

"You're pretty straightforward as a person. "replied Jinyoung, amused. 

"It's a comment like any other. “

"I don't think so. “

"Why do you always try to find out if there is a double meaning in my sentences? “

"Maybe because there is one. “

He shrugged his shoulders and took a piece of cheese with the fork. He put it in his mouth and he took his time. He grabbed the wine glass held by Jackson and took a sip. He gave the glass back to him and while looking him in the eyes, he said: 

"You should know that she's not my type...".

He winked at him and walked away to take care of a couple's order at a more distant table. He got his confirmation: he was with Mark and Jinyoung knew Jackson knew it.


	17. December 16th

The room had emptied out as it went along, not many people were left. Just a couple and a bunch of friends finishing their general tour. After two hours of non-stop, he slumped down on a chair with a beer in his hand. He loosened his tie with his other hand while taking a sip. He breathed with exhaustion as he ran his hand through his hair. It went down to the back of his neck and started massaging some tension to make it disappear. He watched him do it without saying a word. He had finished his glass of wine a while ago and had already ordered two beers while he waited for him. Jinyoung put his arm on the table and raised his glass to toast. Jackson did so. Jinyoung took a long sip, almost half of his glass, and then put himself back against the back of his chair, with nonchalance. A young man approached the table with a backpack on his shoulders. He walked toward Jinyoung to greet him, taking his hand and banging his shoulder against his own. 

"I'm going in. Are you here tomorrow? “

"Yes, I'm here. "replied Jinyoung, with a smile. 

"Cool! We're still working together. “

"How do you get home? “

"I'm going to take the bus. “

"When are you getting your car back?"

" Next week, normally. “

"Fortunately."

"Yeah, I can't wait."

"Get home safe. Have a good night. “

"Thank you. Good evening to you too. “

"It can only be good," he says with a wink to his colleague. 

"You're talking about beer, aren't you? “

"Yeah, that's it... Beer. "he says smiling, almost laughing. 

"See you tomorrow! “

"See you tomorrow

He tapped Jinyoung's shoulder to say "goodbye" and nodded his head in the direction of Jackson. Jackson was surprised and gave him back his sign in a clumsy manner. 

"Do you have plans for tonight? "Jackson asked, once they were, again, the two of them. 

"Other than being with you, no. “

"Oh, right. I thought..."

Jinyoung ran his hand through his hair again as he drank his beer. He unbuttoned the top of his shirt. The heat was starting to get really stifling with the alcohol.

"What were you thinking?" he asked, exposing his chest a little more, which made him even sexier. 

"Seeing how he wished you a good evening, I thought maybe you had other plans...".

"Spending time with you is not enough to have a good evening? “

"I thought it was something more attractive? “

"I find what I have in front of my eyes very attractive. Don't you? “

He looked at him, a little stunned, trying to find out what was true and what was false. Was he really flirting or was he just acting? He had already had this doubt a few days before, but he had no other clues. He thought back to the waitress. He thought about Mark. Jinyoung burst out laughing at his lost face. It was obviously a joke. How could it be otherwise? Jackson was a fool to think of anything else. 

"You're a very good actor. If you can't get a part, I really wouldn't understand. “ 

Jinyoung stopped smiling. He crossed his arms on his chest and played with his lip between his teeth. His right leg came to rest on his left and he asked: 

"How do you know that I'm a very good actor. You've never seen me act. “

His tone was dry, even icy as if he had been assaulted in the flesh. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't want you to take it the wrong way. I thought I'd pay you a compliment. “

"You can't judge someone without knowing. “

"Show me then! “ 

"What do you mean? “

"Show me what you're worth! “

"Right now? “

"Why not? There is hardly anyone left. “

"Some of my colleagues are still here. “

"And then, we don't care. “

"I didn't prepare anything. “

"Show me what you did at your last audition. “

"No, I can't. It's impossible. “

"You told me that in order to judge, I had to know. “

"You don't realize what you're asking me. It's like I'm asking you to show me how you dance. “

"I can do it. No worries. “

"Really? “

All evening, music had been playing in the bar. Having nothing to do, she had kept him company all evening. The actual song corresponded perfectly to the style in which he used to choreograph for his classes. He listened attentively to the rhythm, closed his eyes, and started to dance. When the machine started and began to accelerate, he opened his eyes. Nothing mattered anymore. He gave everything he had, expressing something new, something long hidden. He hadn't shown it to anyone, not even his students. He had to get it out, now. Because it was the right time. Because he was ready. Because he had found someone who deserved this unexpected gift. He exploded in flight. The blast was felt throughout the room, especially in the person closest to him. Jinyoung got up and came to join him. He waited for a while, watching him, and then began to dance. He followed him with his own style, with his own bodily fluidity. There was something harmonious, sexy, and complimentary about the whole thing, like a piece of music, played on the piano with four hands. Jackson laughed at how Jinyoung had hidden his dancing skills from him. They got closer without even realizing that the few people present were in admiration of their duo and their pleasure in dancing together. Jackson looked at Jinyoung and started fooling around, inventing improbable movements. Jinyoung laughed but he did exactly the same thing. It was his turn to do a little bit of anything. Jackson imitated him without any problem. They started laughing at the same time. It was the first time since their first meeting that he was completely relaxed in the presence of his neighbor. He wasn't calculating anything, he wasn't thinking about explanations. He was just himself, as he was with all the other people. He was even truer than usual. They continued to dance more seriously. Their bodies came closer together like magnets. Jackson took the first step to make the distance between them completely disappear, but it was Jinyoung who grabbed his neck and pressed his forehead against his. They laughed loudly like kids discovering life, they sing as if it was their last evening together, they drank as if no tomorrow could separate them. And they danced, again and again, forgetting the outside world and the problems. They just wanted to feel, to feel only the presence of the other and be surprised by the inevitable.


	18. December 17th

Daylight will filter through between the shutters. He had a doughy mouth and a jackhammer was working in his head. He opened his eyes but had to close them immediately. It was too violent for his retinas. Given these few symptoms, the diagnosis was quite clear: he was hungover. Why had he been drinking again the day before? It was the second night in a row and it was the middle of the week, which he never did. Jinyoung was a bad influence. Drinking for free was not a gift after all. He wondered what condition his neighbor was in. He gently opened his eyelids, his vision was slow to focus. He realized he didn't have his contacts. Luckily he had removed them despite his drunkenness, it wasn't the most comfortable to sleep. But without help, he was almost blind. He reached for his glasses on the bedside table. Thanks to them, he realized that he was in his underpants, an arm encircled his bare chest and a leg held his two legs. This arm and leg obviously did not belong to him. He turned and saw Jinyoung, on his stomach, shirtless, at his side. There was no space between them. He couldn't remember the evening, but he remembered that he still had a lot of fun with his new drinking partner. He reached for his phone and when he saw the time, he suddenly stood up screaming : 

"Shit! Shit!" he shouted. Shit! “

Reality caught up with him and his head began to do the worst torture to him. His scream had had the effect of waking Jinyoung. He got out of bed as best he could while his neighbor mumbled, trying to go back to sleep. Jackson found his pants on the floor and began to put them on. The conditions were not the most optimal. He had difficulty putting on the first leg and on the second leg he lost his balance and fell miserably to the ground. He groaned in pain and anger. While waiting for him to complain, Jinyoung had the courtesy to ask him if he was okay. 

"No! I'm not okay! "he exclaimed. 

"If it's not okay. Come back to bed. “

"I can't! I'm late for work. “

"How long are you late? “

"Almost two hours. “

"Two hours?! It's too late, you just have to cancel. Anyway, you're in no condition to do anything. You can't even put your pants on properly."

"I can't cancel, I'm going to get fired. “

"Say you're sick. “

"I didn't even warn them. “

"Say you have a big virus and you were so bad that you couldn't call first. “

"I wouldn't get paid and I need money. “

"Do what you want, but if you go, I think it's going to be a disaster. I can lend you some money if you're really in trouble. “

"You're as poor like me"

"I have some savings. “

"I will find a solution. “

"In the meantime, do you intend to lie on the floor? “

"The ground is cold and it's good for my head. “

Jinyoung didn't say anything more, he had probably fallen asleep again. He was so lucky that he didn't have to get up to give Chinese lessons. He would have wanted to be in his place. All he had to do was call in sick and everything would be fine. That would be the easiest thing to do, but not financially. Just one day. He would try to do a few extra hours to make up for the loss of income. Yes, that's what he would do. He managed to get up and he took his cell phone. He sent a message to his students to let them know that he wasn't there and apologized for being so weak that he hadn't been able to give any news before. It took him a long time to write his message because of his eyes. When he was finished, he put his phone on the bedside table and dropped himself into bed next to Jinyoung who was breathing heavily. 

"Is that okay? You decided to stay after all." He said

"I thought you were asleep. “

"No, I was waiting for your decision. “

"I'm going to stay home, today. “

"So much the better! See you later! “

He rested his arm on Jackson's torso and his leg on his own, the exact position when he woke up. He didn't even try to push him away because he was too tired for that. When he woke up, Jinyoung was gone. He felt a little better, but he was not in great shape. He got up and moved slowly. When he entered the dining room, he heard Jinyoung in the kitchen. On the table, the meal was already served. He rubbed his eyes with his fist. His neighbor came out of the kitchen, he was already dressed. He smiled when he saw his head still asleep:

"Hey! Sleep well?"

"Hey! What time is it? “

"It's early afternoon. “

Jinyoung put the last dishes on the table and invited him to sit down. Jackson took a chair and placed his head in his hands. 

"I would never come to your bar again. “

"You said exactly the same thing two days ago. “

"Yes, but I'm going to keep my promise this time. I missed a day's work, can you believe it? “

"How often does this happen to you? “

"Never! “

"You have the right to give yourself a day's respite. “

"It's unreasonable. I really can't afford to do anything. “

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insisted that you stay. “

"It's not your fault. I just wanted to warn you that I can't go on like this. “

"You don't have to tell me. I wanted to have fun and I didn't think about the consequences. It's not like me to operate that way. I'm a serious person and I know you are too. I can't tell you what went through my head to make you do this. That's also why I offered to give you money because I felt responsible for making you late. “

"You should stop blaming yourself for nothing. I am an adult and responsible. I've made the decision to follow you. I knew what I was doing. Now let's eat. “

Jackson smiles so as not to be too rough. He didn't like Jinyong blaming himself for all the evils of the Earth. everyone was responsible for what was happening to them. He felt bad for something that didn't belong to him: other people's decisions. Jackson thought it said something about Jinyoung's personality that must have had negative thoughts about himself. They finished their lunch and moved into the living room. They were both on the floor. Jackson was writing in his notebook on the coffee table while Jinyoung was reading, leaning against the sofa. He was completely immersed in writing and he didn't notice that his neighbor was watching him. He looked intrigued, his expression reflected a certain curiosity. 

"How did you end up giving Chinese lessons? "he asked suddenly. 

Jackson raised his head, surprised by the question, losing his train of thought and therefore the rest of his sentence. 

"When I came here, I spoke Korean very badly. I worked in a convenience store and took night classes. When I got better, I looked for another job in my field of expertise, which was dance and fencing. But these two activities did not allow me to live properly except that I didn't want to work anymore in the mini-market. And at that time, I had an opportunity thanks to the association which gave me the evening classes. They were looking for a Mandarin teacher for beginners. And even though I don't have a very high level, I know the basics. They gave me an interview mainly on pedagogy. And they must have found that I was good enough. “

"And you like teaching? “

"It's not a vocation but it's interesting, it's not very well paid. What I like the most is to see the students' eyes light up when they manage to understand or express themselves correctly".

"Your thing is dancing and fencing. “

"Yes, they're really passions for me."

" Why did you come to Korea? “

"Again, it's all about the opportunity. I have a friend who wanted to try the adventure because he needed to see something else. At that time, I felt the same way so I followed him. And when I arrived, I don't know why I had a certainty. “

"Which one? “

"That I had something to do here. My place had to be here despite the difficulties. It's a feeling that can't be explained. “

"Like the destiny that was invisibly pushing you in that direction. “

"Exactly. You said you were more at ease when the text was already written but you are very good with your own words. “

"Not always. “

"What makes the difference? “

"Because I feel confident. “

"Because you're hungover? “

"Because I am with you. “

Jackson was surprised by the answer. He didn't think it would have such an impact on anyone. He often told himself that he was trying to make people feel comfortable with him, but he never imagined that he would be able to create such a change in someone. 

"I am... flattered. “

"When I'm with you, sometimes I'm myself, just like when I recite a text on stage, which is almost impossible with people I've known for very little time. “ 

"You don't give that impression at all. “

"I know, I get that a lot. And it creates misunderstandings. When I distance myself, people don't understand. They think I'm cold, full of myself when I just feel too overwhelmed to stay close to them. “

"And you don't feel confident enough to explain that to them."

"That would be weird. “

"Yet you did it with me. “

"Why do you think that is?"

"Sorry, you're right. If you're not confident, how can you use language to express what's on your heart? “

"Even when you trust the person, it doesn't mean you can say everything about how you feel. “

Jackson agreed with that because he had experienced it himself. Through this exchange, a special connection seemed to have been created between them. He didn't know exactly how to define it, but he was certain that he wanted to know more about the other young man. He liked this mouth that told him the different versions of Jinyoung and his thoughts. He could have listened to her all evening as long as she talked to him about her neighbor.

"How come you're dancing too? “ 

This question has haunted him since he first saw him dance. He had a different control of his body than Jackson did and he didn't do anything with it when he had the potential to do something with it. 

"I've been taking classes since I was seven years old. At that time and until I was sixteen, I was considering a career as a professional dancer. “

"I understand better, your level. And what made you change your mind? “

"A play. I had a secondary role that year in high school and my plans changed. I had more time for dance because I took acting classes. But I still keep the basics and dance remains a purely physical outlet. Regularly, I go dancing in clubs. “

"Where you have to get hit a lot. “

The sentence came out of his mouth all by itself. As he pronounced it, he thought he would die of shame on the spot. Fortunately, Jinyoung smiled mischievously: 

"It happens, but I don't go there for that and I make it clear very quickly. “

What an idiot! He really couldn't hold his tongue. He didn't want to add anything, he just nodded his head. 

"I never got hit on by someone who was worth putting aside my personal pleasure to share it. “

As he added this sentence, he stared at Jackson, eye to eye. He had never heard such an erotically ambiguous phrase. He lowered his head, suddenly taking an interest in his notebook. He pulled himself together. Jinyoung must have been teasing him. It was payback for being so outspoken about the flirting. Jackson started writing again, not seeing Jinyoung's desperation.


	19. December 18th

He got up, sweating. He was hot and thirsty. Outside, it was cold. He turned to check that his partner was still sleeping. He seemed completely relaxed and soothed in his sleep. He got up from his bed and walked out of the room. He went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and drank it cold. He put the glass in the sink. He looked out the living room window. No one in the street. The mist on the tiles gave an indication of the outside temperature. He was so comfortable inside. His own mist settled on the window. He drew a little man, lost in this winter atmosphere. He walked slowly into the dining room, looking at the smallest details of the decoration. A frame with a family photo. Objects installed on a piece of furniture. The living room was silent. He walked around the sofa. He lit the little lamp. On the coffee table, scissors, pens, an eraser, a book. His book. A notebook. He looked at it. He knew he was not allowed to have access to it. He knew that it was forbidden to him. He approached. His finger slipped on the cover. No burns, except the one caused by the excitement in his heart. With the tip of his fingernail, he lifted the cover. It fell down like a fabric, rising with the force of the wind and falling gently to the ground. He closed his eyes. He blew. Jackson had seemed so focused as he wrote that he had dreamed about it. One page. Just one page of his thoughts. He opened his eyes and then the notebook on the first page. He recognized the haikus style, those short Japanese poems. 

"Every morning, the sun rises.   
Every evening, it sets.  
On my left, on my right, no sun. “

"One question. One hundred questions. A thousand questions.   
A cry for nowhere.   
And I breathe. “

"A cold and calm wind.   
A warm heart, in action.   
And tomorrow, the opposite. “

"The song of a bird  
A child's laughter  
Oblivion for a time."

"His face in the moonlight  
In the distance, the train passes  
My dream takes off. “

Short but full of meaning. It was a small opening to Jackson's inner world. It was supposed to be just a page, but he couldn't settle for just an appetizer. He was too hungry for it. He turned the page and this time he came across a text.

"Fear is in my heart. It has become so important that it is the only thing that exists. Love, joy, and happiness are crushed by this immense weight. I've never experienced such a feeling as if my whole body was spreading apart under the need to see my family, to the point of exploding. I was rich thanks to them and now? All that remains for me is this uncontrollable fear and this solitude so present. Is it worth following one's dreams? It would be so much easier to stop and never leave. Just be content. Deep down, I know I'm not that person. I've always followed my instincts, no matter where it takes me. I trust them without even a hesitation. Will they betray me? That's what I'm most afraid of. That would be the origin of my fear. I'm afraid of getting caught up in it by myself. In that case, who would I be able to hang on to if I am not reliable for me? I want to forget all this. I have no choice, I have to rely on my own strength if I want joy and happiness to return to my heart. “ 

He continued to read another page, another text, and without even realizing it, he had exceeded fifteen pages. He was particularly marked by the text written on that page. 

"The dog on the highway is waiting for his master to return. I'm in the car and I pass him. He looks at me with his sad eyes. And even far away, I still remember the look in his eyes. He doesn't leave me anymore, he pursues me even in my most impure dreams. He speaks to me of the lack, he speaks to me of his faithful trust and of the monstrosity of humans. He tells me about all his journey that I have not witnessed. And I take him at his word. I know he is not lying. So I listen to him again and again telling the same story. I can't help him because I do what I can and I don't have the means to save him. I'm not good enough. I can't even save myself. “

He heard a noise and immediately closed the notebook. His heart was pounding. He waited a few seconds, nothing happened. He breathed with relief. That was the risk of doing something "illegal": dying of a heart attack. Maybe it was a warning. He should go back to bed. He was still warm. He took off his pajama jacket. He took the notebook and settled down on the couch. He couldn't help it. He was drawn to his words that weren't his own, a powerful attraction that brought him down. 

"Tell me, haven't you ever dreamed of that perfect person? The one who comes in front of you and that's the revelation. You know you can't go anywhere without her. She soothes the pain in your heart. She's the one who gives life that bittersweet taste and promises you happiness for eternity. Even if it's a vain promise, it doesn't matter. You follow her and you will follow her even to the edge of the cliff. You have always been afraid but you will face the void if she asks you to. She won't give you a choice or you'll lose her. I have dreamed a billion times about this person and each time I woke up with this strange feeling of walking past her. In reality, she was not meant for me. She must remain in a dreamlike state as if she could only be mine in this form. I still have a lot of time left and I still have hope. In spite of everything, I doubt. I have no guarantee about the future and what it holds for me. I would like to have clues about who she is so I can recognize her when I see her and not miss the opportunity. What is the exact color of her eyes? What does her nose look like? Are her lips finely drawn and pulpy? What about her body? What are the curves of her body? As much as I can imagine them, they escape me every time. They are in my hands and then they disappear. “

Reading these few lines, without calculating it, his hand slipped from his torso to his lower abdomen. She made her way up to the elastic of her pajama pants and entered inside, slowly caressing the top of her thigh. She moved further to the right, she traveled until she stopped and began to caress him with slow back and forth strokes. He was still holding the notebook in his other hand, continuing to read.

"I want to touch, embrace, make this body that doesn't belong to me and obsesses me with pleasure, every night. I want to feel it against my skin, to feel like a "King" visiting an unknown kingdom. I will take my time, I will let myself wander according to my desires. Above all, I want to never again be an empty shell. I wonder what her lips taste like. Do they kiss well? Will they turn me into a fire when I am only an ember? Will they show me how perfect they think I am, without expecting anything more? “

His hand accelerated the movement. He listened to all the noises to avoid being caught in a very awkward and embarrassing situation. 

"I want them to be able to convince me of my own worth. I want to hear them say that I'm up to the task, that I'm a good person and that I'm easy to love. I expect too much from these lips? I know, but I can't help but hope. To hear these words from my own mouth is without effect. I am unrecoverable. And the funny thing is that people see me without fail, with absolute confidence... "

He didn't want to close his eyes and let himself be overwhelmed by the pleasure that was rising inside him. It was impossible for him to leave these lines written by the hand of his host. A hand that caressed him in the imagination to which he had substituted his own hand in reality. A hand that had written his words as if they had read into his own feelings, confusing everything. Jackson or him, Jackson and him, Jinson.

"Lies. If only they knew the truth. They would be very disappointed. I'm desperate to find the person who will make me want to love myself so badly. Through her eyes, by seeing this love she has for me, she will take me to seventh heaven. And to prove to her all my gratitude and love, I will physically take her to seventh heaven..."

He released the pressure, retaining a groan of satisfaction. He closed his eyes and waited a few moments to enjoy this state of fullness, the result of his orgasm. When the wave of pleasure began to be a distant memory, he got up, put the notebook in its place, and went to the bathroom to clean himself. Then he went back into the bedroom, settled into bed. Jackson was still asleep, he hadn't moved. He approached to take a closer look at him. While recalling with rare precision, most of his written words that had circulated through his body to become pleasure, he stroked the cheek of the young man beside him with the tip of his nose. He lay down completely and turned his back to him. He was so well that he quickly went back to sleep. Jackson suddenly opened his eyes.


	20. December 19th

Jinyoung came out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel. He crossed the bedroom and found himself in the dining room. Jackson was in the kitchen. He was focused on what he was cooking. He had his headphones in his ears. His feet moved in rhythm, at times his buttocks moved from left to right. He seemed to be completely immersed in the music. He put the vegetables in a Tupperware on a layer of rice. He closed his Tupperware and put it in a bag. When he turned around, he was startled by the presence of Jinyoung. He took off his headphones and closed his eyes in relief. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. "Jinyoung apologized. 

"It's okay," he replied dryly. 

"I didn't mean to surprise you. “

"I told you it was okay. You don't have to apologize a thousand times. “

He left the kitchen and went into the living room. He took his satchel and put his lunch inside. Jinyoung had followed him. 

"Is something wrong? "he asked.

"I made you something to eat. It's on the table. “

"Thank you. You didn't answer my question. “

"I don't know what time I'll be home tonight. Probably very late. “

He took his bag and headed for the exit door. When he passed in front of him, Jinyoung grabbed his wrist to stop him. 

"What's wrong ? "asked his neighbor again, in a very gentle manner. 

"I don't want to talk about it. I have to go to work. “

"Please tell me what makes you angry. “

"I'm not angry. “

"I think you are. “

"You think you know better than me?"

He recovered his hand violently and looking coldly at Jinyoung, he said: 

"In that case, you must know what's wrong. “

He turned around and walked straight ahead. He left his apartment and hurried out of the building to get as far as possible to his bus stop. He was almost apnea-free the whole way, holding his breath with anger. The bus arrived very quickly. A few hours later, he was in his dance class. He was waiting for his students, he stood in front of the mirror. The music started and he danced. He danced to lose his breath, forgetting the time, the problems, the high expectations of this life. He was the only one left. He could finally concentrate on what mattered most: himself. He did not notice the entrance of his students who applauded him at the end of his performance. He was out of breath, just like that morning. On the way home, he received a message. 

Mark  
Hi, how are you? 

He didn't feel like answering. Was Mark's close relationship with the handsome brunette a sufficient reason not to want to talk to him? Probably. A few seconds later he received a message from Jaebum. Decidedly, everyone wanted to hear from him tonight. He made an effort because Jaebum was at a distance from all this. 

Jackson  
I am surprised by your message. How are you doing? 

Jaebum  
Why are you surprised? 

Jackson  
I thought you were too busy. 

Jaebum  
I still have time to send messages to people who are far away. 

Jackson  
I think you'd end up forgetting about us. 

Jaebum  
You always have to exaggerate. 

Jackson   
Just kidding! 

Jaebum  
It's not too cold? 

Jackson  
What kind of question is that? 

Jaebum  
A neutral question. 

Jackson  
Because you have something important to ask me? 

Jaebum  
Mark told me that you live with Jinyoung. 

When he saw this message, Jackson's anger increased and he turned off his cell phone. He didn't want to talk about him. When he entered his building, he went to take refuge at Bambam's house, who was surprised by his visit. 

"I didn't expect to see you. “

"Why?"

"I don't see you as often since you've had a roommate. “

"If you talk about him, I'll get drunk in a bar rather than share it with you. “

"I take it that the roommate is not as idyllic as one might think. Settle down, I'll find the right stuff and you'll tell me about it. “

"You didn't hear what I just told you. “

"Go ahead! Go to a bar. At least at my place, beers are free. “

Bambam scored a point. Jackson stayed. And they talked.

When Jackson returned to his apartment, he was much calmer and a little drunk, but he was thinking clearly enough to have a conversation with the main protagonist of his anger. Jinyoung seemed to be waiting for him in the living room. He had never seen him in this state of nervousness as if the sky was about to fall on his head. He got up when he arrived. Jackson saw that his suitcase was nearby and ready to go. 

"What's that," Jackson asked, nodding his head. 

"I've been waiting to tell you that I thank you for helping me. I wanted to say goodbye. “

"Why are you leaving?"

" Because I stayed too long and I wouldn't want to abuse it. “

"Bullshit! "swore Jackson. "Ask me."

"What's that?"

"Ask me why I was angry this morning. “

"You said you weren't. “

"I lied and you know it. “

"I wanted to hear you say it. Now can I ask you why you were angry?"

"I surprised you. “

"You surprised me? “

"That night... when you were in the living room. “

Jinyoung's face decomposed. He didn't look at all like the self-confident, cold, and distant young man who exuded something gentlemanly and sexy in his attitude. He felt like a five-year-old who had been caught stealing candy from a store. Jackson was at least relieved that he felt guilty about what he had done. He was going to feel remorse and that would make up for the damage done. 

"Did you... see me?"

"When I saw you no longer in bed, I came to get you and you were in the living room, just..."

"Look, I understand that you're angry. I'm really sorry. I know it was very weird, I shouldn't have... I didn't do it right. I should have come to you and explained it to you instead of hiding for days."

"Because you've been doing this for days? “

"I don't know how I got here. I just acted without thinking, I just wanted to enjoy myself because..."

"To please you at my expense? “

"I was afraid of your reaction. Would you rather I told you? “

"I wish you hadn't done it at all. You don't realize what it did to me when I found out. “ 

"I didn't think you'd be so disgusted...".

"How can it be otherwise? “

"I'm really sorry. It would be best if I left. “

"It's not the solution. “

"You want me to stay? “

"Not until the problem is fixed. Why did you do this? Why did you read my notebook?"

"Your notebook? Is that what makes you so bad? That I read your notebook? “

"I think you understood. What were you talking about?"

"About... About your notebook, of course. What else? “

"Why did you do that? “

"I don't know. And I really shouldn't have, I'm sorry. It's your thoughts, your words, your heart. I shouldn't have gone into your privacy. “

"This notebook is me. It's just me. “

"That's what intrigued me, I think. I saw how much you cared about this notebook and I was very curious to know what was holding your attention so much. I wanted to know more. It was an unhealthy curiosity. This notebook didn't belong to me. I feel really uncomfortable that I might have betrayed your trust in this way. “

"You wanted to know more... about me?"

"Yes, I did."

"Why?"

" Because you're fascinating. “

Jackson exploded with laughter, which in turn surprised Jinyoung. 

"You know how to find the right moments to flatter and make people forgive you."

Jinyoung smiled and asked, almost disappointed: 

"And does it work? “

"If you promise not to do it again. “

"I promise. “

"In that case, go! Empty your suitcase. “

"It already is. “

"What do you mean? “

"I hadn't really prepared it, I hope you change your mind when you see me leave. “

Jackson looked at him, half exasperated, half admiring. He came menacingly towards him and pushed him onto the couch where he straddled him. And he tickled him. Jinyoung laughed. Jackson redoubled his efforts. His hands traveled on his hips, in his neck, under his arms. Jinyoung laughed even harder. At that moment, he wanted to drown in that laughter, hoping that no one would ever come to save him. 

He was out of breath for the third time, today, because of this man.


	21. December 20th

He was sitting in the back of the bus as usual. His head was resting against the window, he was watching the landscape while letting his thoughts wander. At first, they had a vague connection with his work. He was focused on what he was going to have to teach that day. Then they moved on to his Christmas and New Year's program and what he was going to send as a gift to his family. But soon they focused on a subject that had become his main focus in the last few days: his neighbor. He didn't know the combination of ideas that had allowed him to go from "I'll give my mother a nice bracelet" to "I rode astride Jinyoung last night and he didn't seem to mind. "He remembered his laugh as his fingers tickled him, he remembered his face, full of mischief when he told him that the suitcase was empty. He couldn't stop thinking about his so natural way of telling him "Because you're fascinating. “. Jackson smiled stupidly. He bit his lip. He must have looked like an idiot to the other passengers who couldn't understand why this strange young man seemed to become embarrassed for no apparent reason. They couldn't guess that he would have wanted to believe these words so much, he would have wanted to tell himself that Jinyoung meant them sincerely. It was no small thing that someone finds you fascinating. One memory led to another, and he replayed in his head the scene where they had danced together in the bar. The way they had moved as if their bodies were interlocking. And that unforgettable phrase from Jinyoung: "I've never been hit on by someone who was worth putting aside my personal pleasure to share it with her." Yet he had agreed to dance with him. Jackson didn't hit on him, so it didn't count. Why couldn't he forget the feeling of his forehead against Jinyoung's? That scene at the bar was special for him. The other young man had told him that he felt confident with him, which was rare. It was not the kind of harmless phrase. It had real meaning. It made him special. And he didn't want to be special because it meant that he was in a category apart, a category in which he might start making movies. "You should know that she's not my type at all. "That sentence and the wink that went with it were confusing. Why the wink? Obviously, he could take it as an accomplice to a shared secret about Mark, but along with other elements, it made him see a much more attractive path. "What I have in front of my eyes is very attractive. "Ahhhh! He was going to go crazy. He bumped his head against the bus window several times. He had to stop playing the film over and over again, even though he was having a lot of fun watching it. He was going in a direction that was not at all good for his personal well-being. "What if I wanted you to invade my personal space?" Oh my God! He tried to reason with himself; "Jackson, that's crazy. You can't do that. There's no way anything is going to happen. First of all, because... you don't feel anything for him. Then because it's Jinyoung and because it's...you. You don't play in the same category. And finally because of Mark! He's your friend and you don't cheat on a friend. And he's so much more Jinyoung than you are. He's tall, slender, with a small face, beautiful thin legs. A model's physique, very nice, funny at times, discreet... Everything you are not !" He looked at his cell phone to entertain himself and take his mind off things. A message had arrived.

Jaebum  
Hello, you didn't answer me yesterday. 

He couldn't tell him that he didn't feel like answering her. 

Jackson  
It is true. I ran out of battery and then I spent the evening with Jinyoung. I bet Mark told you that I was in a temporary roommate relationship with him. 

Jaebum  
Yes, he told me, but not only... 

Jackson  
??? 

Jaebum  
Bambam.

Jackson  
What gossip! 

Jaebum  
That's why we love him. 

Jackson   
What else did he tell you? 

Jaebum  
You were very busy...

Jackson  
What did he mean? 

Jaebum  
That's all he told me. 

Jackson  
With work, I don't have a lot of time right now.

Jaebum  
I think what he meant was that you were in very good company. 

Jackson  
He should stop spreading rumors. 

Jaebum  
What rumors?

Jackson  
Nothing. 

Jaebum  
He just told me that Jinyoung was handsome and that you were spending a lot of time with him. 

Jackson  
I know what it means with him...

Jaebum  
It might be time to... 

Jackson  
I'd rather not talk about it. 

Jaebum  
I understand. I just want to tell you that you have the right to be happy and not necessarily alone. 

Jackson  
For that to happen, there would have to be an opportunity that presents itself. 

Jaebum  
I really hope you don't miss it. 

Jackson  
So am I.

At the same time, he sent this reply, a notification was displayed. He opened the conversation concerned. 

Mark  
I didn't get an answer yesterday. I hope everything is okay. 

Shit! He had forgotten it. 

Jackson  
Sorry, my battery ran out and then I forgot to answer. Everything is fine and you? 

Mark  
Me too, everything is fine. 

Jackson  
When will you be back? 

Mark  
Coming soon. In less than three days, that's for sure. 

Jackson  
Cool! Can't wait to see you. 

Mark  
Is Jinyoung still with you? 

Why was he asking him that question? Did he suspect something? Did Jinyoung say something to him? Mr. Paranoid, hello. 

Jackson  
Yes, always. 

Mark  
No worries between you? 

Jackson  
No, why?

Mark  
Because I sent him a message yesterday and he didn't answer me, either. I found the coincidence striking enough that it was just a coincidence. 

Jackson   
He was very busy yesterday. He will probably answer you tomorrow. 

Was he convincing enough? He wasn't sure. If Mark was so suspicious, it was because he was very jealous or possessive. Someone else wouldn't have made the connection right away. 

Mark  
It was to make sure that everything was going well between you. 

Jackson  
All is well. We're really getting along. 

Mark  
Good for you. I would have been disappointed if my two buddies didn't get along. 

A guy with sex in general was not the definition of a buddy. He smiled at that thought before he realized he really didn't like the idea. At first, he didn't like it because it challenged his friendship with Mark. Now he hated her because of Jinyoung. At what point was the transition made between Jinyoung, the mysterious neighbor, and Jinyoung, the guy who was creating jealousy in his house. "Don't you feel anything for him? The big joke! "he said to himself. Why he was trying to keep lying to himself. There was nothing he could do about it, it was right in front of him. It was obvious: he was attracted to Park Jinyoung. 

Another obvious fact: he was in trouble.


	22. December 21th

He had come home early from work for once. Jinyoung was not at the apartment. He was both disappointed and relieved. He would have liked to spend the evening with him and at the same time, he didn't know how to behave in his presence. He had the impression of burning under the intensity of his gaze every time he met him. Punished at the stake for daring to desire him. In this context, he tried to dodge it, which was difficult and complex, since as soon as he raised his head, Jinyoung was observing him. The timing was perfect between them but it made Jackson's task more complex. He settled down on his couch to take some time to settle down. He was going to turn on the TV when he saw Jinyoung's book on the coffee table. Where could he have been? He hadn't said anything to him this morning. Maybe he'd been at an unscheduled casting session. He looked at his cell phone to make sure he hadn't left a message to warn him. He didn't. Jackson picked up the book and looked at the back cover to find out what it was about. It wasn't a novel. It was the biography of a young director... from Quebec. Quebec? What country was it? He went to Google. Quebec was a French-speaking province in Canada. He had visited, once, Toronto but he didn't know that the country wasn't totally anglophone. Thanks to Jinyoung, he had just learned something. He paid more attention to the director's name to hold him back and put it in one of his conversations with Jinyoung: Xavier Dolan. He wondered how his name was pronounced in French. He had started to take classes but soon gave up. This language was very complicated. The back cover made him want to know more. Xavier Dolan had made his first film at the age of nineteen, he had invested his advertising and dubbing fees in this project. He dreamed of having the career of Leonardo Di Caprio but could not find roles that would live up to his dreams, so he wrote a screenplay in which he gave himself the lead role and then harassed one of his favorite Quebec actresses. She finally gave in to the young man's creativity, confidence, and passion. That's how they ended up shooting "I Killed My Mother". An incredibly realistic film about the passionate, fusional, conflictual relationship between a sixteen-year-old and his mother, the father being remarkable by his absence. This first film, intelligent in its direction, editing, dialogue, and choice of soundtrack, was selected for the Quinzaine des réalisateurs at the Festival de Cannes in France, winning several awards. Ten years later, the thirty-year-old director already had eight films to his credit, including one with American stars such as Kit Harrington, Susan Sarandon, Nathalie Portman, Katie Bates. Jackson understood why Jinyoung was interested in the biography of this foreign director. His neighbor must have seen one of his films to get to know him, but he had to admit that his career was impressive, even for someone who didn't know him at all. If he had been so passionate about cinema that he wanted to become an actor, he would have been interested in this kind of artist. He was young and had not been afraid to go for it to realize his own dreams. He had worked very hard and had already made his mark on his generation in a decade. Instead of Jinyoung, he would have dreamed of having this kind of dazzling career. Instead of Jinyoung, he would have made him his model. Instead of Jinyoung...

"Do you find it interesting? "asked a voice in his ear. 

He jumped as he turned around. He was so immersed in the book that he hadn't heard it coming. He lost his strength and searched for his words. 

"Sorry, I shouldn't have gone through your things. “

"No worries," Jinyoung replied, coming to sit next to him with a big smile. "You can borrow my things, there's nothing personal..."

Jinyoung stopped in his momentum. Jackson knew that they had both thoughts about the story of the notebook but neither of them wanted to talk about it again so they pretended nothing had happened. 

"I didn't know this director. “

"He's not very well known here but I went to see one of his films, " Mommy", by chance and I just fell in love with this film, its direction, its actors, so I looked for all his filmography. In one weekend, I fell in love with this director. “

"In one weekend? He must really be incredible. “

"He is. Mommy got the Palme du Jury at the Festival de Cannes, he would have deserved the Palme d'or because the audience applauded for twelve minutes, a record for the festival. That was in 2014. He was twenty-five years old. He made an incredible speech when he received his award. “

"Did you also look for his speech? “

"Yes, it's on Youtube. And he made me think about the importance of making his dreams come true just as his films made me think about the meaning of my life. “

Jackson had avoided his gaze for the entire beginning of this conversation, but he couldn't help but look him straight in the eye this time. Jinyoung looked so passionate and in admiration that he made him want to know more. Because knowing Xavier Dolan was getting to know Park Jinyoung a little better. By going through the cinema, he would know what was touching his heart. He wanted to know what made him vibrate so much and made him want to get up in the morning, and he thought that if he could open a small door, maybe he would be able to connect with him in a more intimate way. 

"What did he say in his speech? “

Jinyoung did not answer right away. He stopped being him. He had become another, another seen so often that he knew the slightest facial expression. He didn't need to think, every word was in his head to the nearest comma. 

"The emotion I feel when I contemplate this mythical room is overwhelming. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the recognition of your jury, the amount of love we have received over the past week also makes me realize that it is true: we do this job to love and be loved in return. It is the revenge of our imaginary loves."

Jackson understood that he was playing. He was not in imitation, he was playing Xavier Dolan. 

"A note for people my age, the young people of my generation. These are the notes of the last few years in this crazy world. In spite of people who stick to their tastes and don't like what you do, but stay true to who you are. Let's hold on to our dreams because we can change the world with our dreams, we can make people laugh, we can make them cry. We can change their ideas, their minds. And by changing their minds we can change the world."

He pressed every word with his emotional power. Something from him, from his heart, from his guts, came loaded into this speech with love and hope that belonged only to him. These were the words of another, but it was Jinyoung's soul speaking. And it was beautiful. 

"It is not only politicians and scientists who can change the world but also artists. They've been doing it forever. There is no limit to our ambition except those we give ourselves and those others give us. In short, I think that everything is possible to those who dream, dare, work and never give up. And may this award be the most radiant proof of that".

He finishes this speech, on the verge of tears. He had never quoted it out loud before. All he had done was repeat it over and over in his head when he made the decision to become an actor, at every failed audition, every killed hope, every time he had to start over. It had accompanied him all this time and had allowed him to cling vainly to his dream, in the most difficult moments. It took a certain Jackson Wang to come into his life for him to finally pronounce it and to remember that it was his only way to exist, to be somebody. Without his dream, he was nothing. 

Seeing him in this state, he was overwhelmed by the splendor of this celestial being. He knew who he really was, Park Jinyoung. At that moment, he was certain that he didn't have a chance. His heart stopped beating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's very short. Everything (biography and speech) said about Xavier Dolan is true, as true as my love for him.


	23. December 22th

It was December 22nd and it was his first day off. When he opened his eyes, he was happy. Happy not to work for the next four days. He was going to be able to get up at the desired time, he was going to be able to do nothing all day, he was going to... spend all his days with Jinyoung. He hit his forehead violently. How did he manage to put himself in such a situation? It was supposed to be a temporary situation. Why hadn't the electrician come to fix the problem? And Mark was supposed to come home normally today. He didn't want to chase Jinyoung out of his apartment, but he didn't know how to deal with him anymore. He was completely lost. That's why Jackson had to find a solution quickly. He looked out the window, the sky was apparent and a beautiful sun was appearing. He got up, went to the bathroom, and took his time to wash. When he came out, he hesitated between getting dressed and putting his pajamas back on. With the presence of his guest, it would be more appropriate to get dressed. He put on an old jogging suit and an Adidas sweatshirt, with nothing underneath, enough to hang around the house. The living room was empty when he entered, he rushed to his couch and turned on the TV to watch a music channel. It was almost noon. An hour later, he decided to prepare some food. He was on his way to the kitchen when the front door opened and Jinyoung appeared with a tree.

"What's that?" Jackson asked. 

"A tree! Can't you tell? “

"Not really..."

"He was abandoned in a corner and I thought we should give him a chance. “

"I have nothing to decorate it with! “

"I suspected it, so I went to buy some tinsel and some balls. “

"You really wanted to have a tree. “

"This is the first year I've been away from my family at this time. And then it won't take up any space. “

Seeing his little pout, Jackson was unable to resist his request. 

"All right, find a place to put it."

Jinyoung's reaction gave him the impression that he had just given him the most beautiful Christmas present, he smiled tenderly. "Shit! Jackson, pull yourself together! You promised to distance yourself. “ 

While his neighbor was looking for the most beautiful spot, he asked him for a kitchen: 

"Have you eaten? “

"No, not yet. “ 

"What do you feel like?"

"Whatever you want, I'm fine with anything. “

Jackson set to work. Twenty minutes later, Jinyoung joined him in the kitchen happily. 

"It's okay, have you found a place for him yet? “

"Yes, but I haven't decorated it yet."

"Why not?"

He was watching the vegetables cook when he felt his torso come to stick to his back to come and look over his shoulder at what he was cooking. 

"I want to decorate it with you. “

He turned his head. He crossed his gaze, he did not expect to see his face so closely. Jinyoung said to him with a smile:

"It looks good what you're preparing. “

"Yes, I hope..." he says slowly as if he has lost the use of speech. 

The handsome brunette moved away to set the table. Jackson breathed a sigh of relief, but it was short-lived. He put the pots and pans on a low flame. He slipped quietly into his room and went to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and looked up at the ceiling, biting his lip. Did he feel Jinyoung's sex against his buttocks? He put his hand on his. 

Yes, he felt it. He was hard.

After a second shower, a good meal, and cleaning the dishes, they decided to decorate the tree. They were both sitting on the floor. One after the other, they put a ball and then another ball and then another ball. They were all silver or red or both. While one put on the classical garlands, the other took care of the bright one. After half an hour, they had already finished. Lying on the floor together, they looked like they had done the most physical activity in the world. While looking at the ceiling, Jinyoung asked: 

"Don't you want us to decorate your apartment a little? “

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I am unable to move. “

Jinyoung laughed when he heard this answer. 

"I wasn't expecting this. “

"I know, but I'm too good, I don't want to make an effort. If you want, you can take care of it, I don't mind. “

The handsome brown rose slightly, tilting a little to the side, putting his head in his hand. 

"Without you, it's less fun."

"I'm not that funny."

"You really don't want to do it to lie to me that bad. “

Jackson stood up and put his head in his hand, in turn, at the level of his fir partner's thighs. 

"Do you really think I'm that funny? “

"Would you dare to doubt it? “

Without even realizing it, Jinyoung had gotten a little closer. He should have moved away, but he didn't because his heart quickened and he began to get addicted to the adrenaline feeling even though he rejected it violently after he came to his senses. 

"You never know for sure about yourself. “

"You should have a few. “

"I need confirmation. “

"I can help you... 

"Would you do it? “

"On one condition. “

"Which one? “

"You have to believe me. “

"Okay. Go ahead, I'm listening."

"You're very funny, one of the funniest people I've ever met. “

"I really have to believe that? “

"No choice. “

"I have to admit I'm one of the funniest people," he says, laughing so hard it was ridiculous. 

"You're a smart person. “

"How smart? Resourceful smart or Cultivated smart? “

"Resourceful smart. “

"I also prefer to be seen that way."

"I like that kind of intelligence for a guy. “

Before Jackson could react to the wording, he heard something else more interesting. 

"You're passionate and that's when you talk about dance or fencing but also about life. You give your all in everything you do."

Jinyoung's hand stood up and came to rest on Jackson's thigh, his fingers playing on it like a piano. 

"You're not afraid of change, you take every opportunity as a chance to discover and experience new things. “

He didn't utter a word, listening attentively and feeling the warmth on his thigh. 

"You think and think a lot for fear of hurting the people around you. You are totally empathetic to the other person.

While leaning on his thigh so as not to let go of it, he got up in a seated position. This time his face was level with Jackson's face. 

"You are generous, almost without limit. “

He stepped forward slightly. 

"You like to be with others and share memorable moments. “ 

"It's true that I like to be with people because that's all that matters in the end.

"I almost forgot... Even if we haven't known you for a long time, we can't help trusting you. You carry your heart on your shoulder, at the risk of being hurt, but you don't care about that. Because you don't count enough for yourself in relation to others".

"It's too much of a compliment for one person. “

"Yet it's all about you. “

Jackson stepped forward in his turn. 

"And you, Park Jinyoung, who are you? “

"It's up to you to tell me. “

"I don't think I can describe yourself as well as you can. You hide so much that it's hard to figure you out. “

"Not so much. People think I'm mysterious when I'm just commonplace. “

"You're far from ordinary. "Jackson murmured. 

"How do you know that? “

"Because I saw you yesterday. I've been seeing you for several days. And the more I discover, the more I am surprised. “

Jinyoung continued to get a little closer to Jackson's face. 

"What surprised you?"

"By your intensity. “

"My intensity? What do you mean?"

"There's something in you that keeps you going, that pushes you forward. Like a force. When positive waves surround you, you are in your element, and that force radiates. When you find yourself in a delicate situation, this force becomes tension. And you try to escape from yourself. “

"How do you..."

"I told you. "he murmured, again, staring at his lips, "I saw how you were. Everybody thinks you're distant from everything, they're mistaken. You are too sensitive for this world, too empathetic and you don't know how to find your place. But you are not the problem. It's this world. It's this world that's wrong. “

Jinyoung's lip began to tremble slightly. 

"Park Jinyoung, you're far too beautiful to try to change. You're far too beautiful to feel out of step. The world needs you just the way you are. Because you're a Star and you can guide so many people just as bright as you are. So trust yourself. You have the right to be you because you're so worth it. “

He grabbed him by the nape of the neck and he collapsed it against him. He held him tightly in his arms, caressing his hair at the base of his neck. Jinyoung began to cry as he held on to him, emptying himself of all the emotions he had contained for weeks. They didn't utter a word, letting only the sobs speak. Something magical had just happened and they knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make a sexy chapter, but I don't know how things turned out like that. The mysteries of the brain.


	24. December 23th

He was in the vegetable section of the grocery store. He was thinking about the recipe to find out exactly which vegetables he needed when suddenly, for no apparent reason, the memory of Jinyoung in his arms came into his mind. He shook his head to keep his concentration on his errands. His brain gave him five minutes of respite before indulging himself by showing him, once again, the image of Jinyoung playing on his thigh with his fingers. He raised his eyes to the sky. He couldn't shop in peace. What did the recipe say? That Jinyoung's lips were particularly appetizing from up close. He hit his forehead with the palm of his hand to bring out this kind of idea. He was sure that the people in the convenience store must have thought he was crazy. He somehow managed to get through the checkout with everything he needed. He hoped he hadn't forgotten anything. He wanted Christmas Eve to be a little special. He particularly missed his family and he hoped to lessen the pain of not having them around. He made sure his bags were sturdy. He remembered the time they were torn on the stairs and his neighbor came to his aid. He had this strange feeling that this event belonged to another life, a life where Jinyoung was taking shape in his mind like a silhouette that had become more and more consistent over the days. It was like watching a character evolve over several seasons and then remembering his first impression at the beginning of the series. As he was leaving the grocery store, he met Youngjae with a big smile on his face: 

"Hey! How's it going?"

"Hey! How are you? “

"Very good. “

"Are you still coming tomorrow? “

"Yes, I'll arrive late in the evening. “

"Your parents didn't say anything? “

"No, they will be at my sister's house. I'll see them at their house on December 25th, with my sister and my brother's family."

"Do you need me to bring anything? “

"Bring back what you want, but you don't have to. “

"Okay, I'll see. Will Mark be there? “

"Yes normally. “

"I thought he was leaving with his family. “

"Not this year. He was running out of time. “

"As I saw four days ago. I figured he might have time to catch a plane. “

"Did you see him four days ago? “

"Yes, he came home to test a new video game. “

"I don't understand..."

"What do you mean? “

"He sent me a message saying he would be back from his business trip today at the latest. “

"Really? I don't understand, either. He told me he wouldn't be here, two days maximum. “

"I will send him a message to find out why he lied to me. “

"Maybe he had an excellent reason, and maybe he wants to surprise you. “

Jackson was not at all convinced but he did not dare to tell Youngjae who was trying to find an explanation for the inexplicable. They greeted each other and separated. As he walked towards the building, he couldn't stop thinking about what he had just heard. Maybe Mark wanted to get away from him. He was tired of spending time with him and would rather make up excuses than tell him the truth. This new lie seemed to be a continuation of the kept secrets he refused to share with him. With a twinge in his heart, he wondered what the true value of their friendship was. Perhaps Jackson was wearing people down by being so full of vitality and energy all the time. He knew it wasn't easy to follow him but he thought Mark would at least have the honesty to let him know, but even that might not have been so easy to do with him. He was interrupted in his thoughts by his meeting with Bambam at the bottom of the building. 

"You don't look good. “

"No, everything is fine. I was just thinking."

"To what?"

"To everything I have to prepare for tomorrow. “

"Do you need help?"

"No, it's okay. Jinyoung is at my house, he's going to help me. “

"Jinyoung is still at your place? “

"Yes, why?"

" I thought he went home. “

"No, he hasn't heard from the electrician or he would have told me. “

"I don't know why I thought Gyeomie told me he found a professional quickly for once. “

"I was thinking too. He's one of his buddies but he was unreliable in the end. “

"Ask him. He'll know more than I do". 

"I don't know if I can..."

"Why?"

"I'd feel like I'm betraying Jinyoung if I'm sneaking off to see Yugyeom. “

"In this case, ask Jinyoung directly."

"I'm afraid he'll lie to me. “

"Why would he do that? “

"Because you can never really trust people. “

"I don't see the point of lying to you about it. He's just an electrician who was supposed to come or not. Why make it a state lie?"

" It's a great question and that's why I don't want to ask him because it might lead me down a path of misunderstanding. And I hate this kind of road where there is a high risk of getting lost. “

"In this case, don't ask him. And wait to see if he tells you about himself or gives you an explanation. “

"It would be the easiest thing to do like this."

"I must leave you. I have an appointment. “

"Professional or personal? “

"I'll tell you that tomorrow..."

"What does that mean? “

"I'll tell you everything tomorrow, I promise. “

Jackson smiles before the mysterious air of Bambam. It was better not to ask any more questions. He watched him walk away, convinced that the next day he was going to tell him another one of his improbable anecdotes. Jackson walked past the concierge, not knowing if he wanted to cross or not Yugyeom. He saw no one. He couldn't tell himself that he was relieved. He went up the stairs with his shopping bags when he heard his first name: 

"Jackson! “

He turned around. He had always known what he really wanted: He wanted to cross Yugyeom. Fate had given him the opportunity. 

"I'm happy to see you. I wanted to tell you that there's a package for you, and it's from Hong Gong. It must be a gift from your parents."

"That's why you're happy to see me, isn't it? “

"Yes, I know it's important to you. “

"You're so cute. “

"Are you coming to pick him up later? “

"Yes, will you be there? “

"Yes, I'm not leaving the lodge today. “

"Are you still coming tomorrow? “

"Of course. Bambam told me that Youngjae and Mark will be there as well. “

"Yes, that's the plan. And so is Jinyoung. “

"Cool! He's a really nice guy. It's funny that you guys have quickly gotten so close that you're celebrating Christmas Eve together. “

"At the same time, he lives in my house. I wasn't going to kick him out on New Year's Eve. “

"Does he live with you? I didn't know that. I thought he just spent one night, just helping out."

"He wasn't going to spend all his money in a hotel room every night. “

"The problem with his apartment is solved. “

"Is it settled? “

"Yes, the electrician came the next day. That's why I'm surprised he still lives with you. He didn't tell you about it? “

"No..."

"It's weird. I just don't get it. “

"Me neither, but that's what I'm going to try to find out. I have to go. “

"No worries. Don't forget your package. “

"Yes, thank you. “

He climbed the stairs, crossed the corridor, and entered his apartment. The other young man was not there. He had told him that he had an audition and he didn't know what time he would be back. Jackson put the groceries away and waited. He waited for what seemed like an eternity to turn the situation upside-down without finding answers to his questions. Mark was lying to him. Jinyoung was lying to him. Was he so naive that he could be fooled so easily? What did they gain in this story by deceiving him in this way? It wasn't so hard, to tell the truth, though? The coincidence was too obvious not to see any connection between the lies of one and the lies of the other. He just couldn't see the nature of that connection and it drove him completely crazy. He tried to concentrate on a movie to forget for a short time all his thoughts that were repeating in his head.  
Nothing entertained him. He always came back to the same point on each side. Why had Mark lied to him? Why had Jinyoung lied to him? Time seemed like an eternity to him. He took a book, but after ten lines he knew it was useless. He got up and began to walk around his apartment back and forth. He couldn't calm the snake that was running through his body. A snake named Anger-Frustration-Deception. He could see only one thing to prevent it from growing bigger by feeding on his thoughts. He took his headphones, stretched a little and the music started. He began to move quite quietly. After a few movements, he gave a little more intensity to finally reach his limits. He fell to the ground, out of breath, but he didn't have to stop. He had to keep going. He started again. After several songs, he had emptied his mind and body, he had managed to expel the snake. He went to take a shower, proud to have controlled the tension that was rising inside him. When he returned to the living room, he realized that it hadn't been enough. Once again, his thoughts fell into the same vicious circle. He felt as if he had gone back to the beginning of the story and it was all the more frustrating. He wanted to scream out his dismay at not being able to run away from himself. The opening of the door put an end to this endless hell. Jinyoung appeared. He seemed completely relaxed, miles away from what Jackson was feeling, who would probably have jumped at him if he had given free rein to his impulses. He took off his shoes and when he saw Jackson, he smiled at him: 

"Hey! I thought you were at the grocery store. “

"You were gone longer than expected," he says coldly. 

"Are you okay? You don't look well. “

"Not really. “

"What's going on? “

"I learned something I didn't like at all."

"You didn't?"

"I'm a nice person and people lie to me. “

"That is to say? "asked Jinyoung in a very neutral way, he was quite an actor. 

"Youngjae told me that Mark had returned. Did you know about it? “

"Yes, I knew that. “

"Did you know that too? “

"Yes, he was due back today. “

"Not today, he came home four days ago. “

"Did you call him to find out? “ 

This time Jinyoung's voice was not so confident. 

"No, I didn't want to, I was too angr. And then I learned something else. “

"And that made you angry too, I suppose? “

"A little, but above all, it made me feel very incomprehensible and I hate that. Inconsistencies and misunderstandings cause madness. “

"What don't you get?"

"Why did you lie to me about your problem in your apartment? You led to me believe that it would take several days to fix it and I welcomed you here, thinking that I was helping you. “

"And you helped me. “

"Why did you do that? No matter how hard I look, I don't understand anything. I don't see your interest in doing this. “

"Really, don't you see? "asked Jinyoung as he approached. 

"You wanted to take advantage of me?

"In a way, yes."

"You're lying again. It doesn't make any sense!"

"I'm not lying this time. “

"You admit that you lied to me! “

"I acknowledge and assume this. "said Jinyoung as he continued to walk towards him. 

"What's in it for? “

"In your opinion? “

"I must be too stupid"

"I confirm. You're playing the stupid guy, not to see the obvious..."

"Fuck you..."

He barely had time to finish his sentence when two hands grabbed his face and his lips came crashing into his, a bit brutally. It took him several seconds before he realized that it was Jinyoung's lips were on top of his and that his hands were holding his face firmly. He could not escape. He should have reacted immediately, but his body was paralyzed. And if he really had to admit it, he wanted to take advantage of it. He had wanted to for so long that he only listened to his desire. Jinyoung's lips had a taste of memories of a seaside vacation as a child. They tasted like hot, comforting chocolate after a snowball fight. They had a taste of that uncontrollable feeling of freedom when traveling in a foreign country. They had the taste of a night without end, laughing until the early morning with the people you love, with friends such as... Mark. Jackson violently pushed Jinyoung away and wiped his mouth with rage: 

"What are you doing? “

"What we've both been wanting to do for a while and even more since yesterday. “

"Wrong answer! “

"Are you going to tell me you didn't want that? Are you going to tell me that you didn't think about it regularly? Are you going to tell me that at no time did you ever imagine how special this moment would be? “

"No, never! “

"This time, you're the one who's lying."

" Even if I did imagine it, I never thought of making it happen. “

"Why?"

"Because you're with Mark! And I would never betray him," he says, realizing that the last sentence was a bit kitschy.

"I'm with Mark? What do you mean? “

"You're together. “

"Jackson, do I understand what you're saying to me? Mark and I are a couple, right? “

"Are there other possibilities to the word "together"? “

Jinyoung burst out laughing and he couldn't stop what upset Jackson even more. 

"Why are you laughing? “

"What made you think of such an idea? “

"I saw you. “

"Did you see us?"

"Several weeks ago. You were coming home to your apartment with him, you started stroking his neck and you looked so... so intimate. “

"Are you serious? You're using that as a basis for thinking we're a couple? “

"I should have caught you in bed to make it official? “

"It would have been much clearer that way. It was just a caress." 

" It wasn't the way it felt. “

"I'm always tactile with the people close to me."

" You've known him for only four months and you're already that close? “

"Are you sure about this argument given what just happened between us? “

"Don't change the subject! “

"Anyway, your argument doesn't make sense because I've known Mark since college. We've been friends for several years. “

"Why didn't he tell me? “

"You'll have to ask him. “

"Why didn't you tell me? “

"Because it would have been weird to say that, out of nowhere. “

"Let's say... “

"And then I have another question. Do you know that Mark likes girls? “

"Yes, I am aware of that. “

"So how could you imagine that the two of us..."

"You never really know people. Appearances can be deceiving. “

"As his long-time friend, I can tell you that Mark only likes girls. Now that it's official, can we pick up where we left off? Or are you still afraid of betraying a completely heterosexual friend? "mocked Jinyoung sarcastically. 

"You little prick! “

Jinyoung smiles with a small laugh as he feels Jackson's lips on his after having insulted him. But the kiss was of very short duration. The young man backed away slightly and asked: 

"You knew Mark was home..."

"Why don't we stop talking about Mark?"

" Good idea. “

They kissed, again, this time without interruption.

It was December 23rd and for them, it was already Christmas.


	25. December 24th

He woke up, alone in bed. The place beside him was empty. For ten seconds he was completely happy, but he didn't know why. Suddenly, it came back to him, in his mind. The day before, they had kissed. It was real and he hadn't dreamt it at all. As a reflex, he touched his lips as if they had still borrowed it from his mouth. He smiled and then burst out laughing. A laugh that was nothing but sincerity and joy. A shiver of excitement ran through his body at the thought of the day to come. Paradoxically, he hadn't felt so peaceful in a long time. He got up, stretched, and went into the shower. He started singing as loud as he could, laughing regularly for no apparent reason. He dressed in jeans, a black tank top, and a sweater, too big for him. He walked to the kitchen. Jinyoung, white shirt and black pants, was leaning against the kitchen with a mug in his hand. When he saw him arrive, he immediately smiled and handed him a second mug, filled with coffee. Jackson took it in his hands and took a sip. It was very good. They looked at each other as they drank and couldn't stop smiling. For a few seconds, Jinyoung looked away so as not to laugh. They looked like two idiots but it didn't matter. They were happy. Jackson thought that maybe we should start a conversation, just to pretend that everything was normal and nothing had changed between them: 

"We're going to have a lot of preparation for tonight. “

"Is it sure they're all coming? “

"Yes, all four of them are coming. “

"Did you call your parents? “

"Not yet. “

"They are not too disappointed? “

"They know I don't have the money for a ticket. Next year, I would have saved enough to go see them. “

"Your brother is in Australia, right? “

"Yes, with his wife and my niece. “ 

"They can come and see them? “

"They would have liked to, but my brother has no time off. “

"Those ungrateful children who dare to go abroad instead of staying with their parents," Jinyoung mocked. 

"It's abusive to want to make one's own life, especially to end up... like that. “

"When you say "like that," do you mean "with me"? "Jinyoung asked as he stepped forward. 

"Perhaps..."

"You've gone very wrong, Mr. Wang. “

"I can't tell you, Mr. Park. But whose fault is it?"

"If I had had time, I would have punished you..." he said, dodging Jackson's lips. "I must, unfortunately, go shopping. “

"Again! "Jackson was more frustrated than really angry. "I did a lot yesterday. “

"You forgot a couple of things. It's a good thing I made you a list. “

"I barely looked at it. I don't like lists. “

"That's why you forgot some stuff. “

"You're going there dressed like that? “

"That is to say? “

"With your shirt open and your pants tightly pulled down, tightening your buttocks. “

"I was planning to put on a sweater and a long coat to cover it all up, since it's a bit like December 24th, but now that you tell me, I might even go in a tank top and underwear. “

"Why do I say stupid things? “

"Because I'm disturbing you," Jinyoung replied, amused, placing a kiss on Jackson's temple in passing, which made him laugh. 

He was on his way out when he retraced his steps and put a quick kiss on his lips. He walked forward, again, to come back and put two quick kisses in a row and then another one. Jackson patted him on the buttocks to get him to go, smiling. He finished his coffee and heard the door close. He went back to his room to get his cell phone and saw a message. 

Jinyoung  
I really enjoyed last night. I'm good with you. For me, our relationship isn't just for fun. I didn't know how to tell you in person but it was important for you to know. 

Jackson smiles. He just wanted to scream and jump around and dance something stupid and sexy. He didn't do it. It was so cliché. 

Jackson  
I also enjoyed the evening. For me too, the two of us, it's not just for fun. And reading your message, I'm glad I made the right choice.

He sent the message and when he received the acknowledgment of receipt, he still did a ridiculous but sexy dance before jumping on his bed screaming with laughter.

The day passed very quickly. They didn't have a minute to breathe, spending all their time in the kitchen. Jackson had the idea to prepare an American Christmas dinner to please Mark and comfort him for being so far away from home. Christmas is a much more important holiday than in Asia. With Jinyoung's help, they had concocted a very precise menu of what was traditionally done in Uncle Sam's country. Jackson had even gone so far as to send a message to Mark's mother for some tips and recipes. As usual, he cooked with all his heart and sincerity, with the sole purpose of making people happy because he liked to make others happy. He didn't expect much from life, except to be surrounded by people who recognized its importance in their lives. He was beating eggs with an electric whisk. Jinyoung was sitting at the kitchen counter. He was waiting for the oven to heat up, and he took advantage of this break to observe the other young man, so concentrated. He smiled and said: 

"You like it, don't you? “

"What's that?"

"Cooking for others. “

"It shows. You just have to see you do it to understand it right away. I've never known anyone who expresses his sincerity so well."

"I know it makes me vulnerable to be so sincere, but I'm like that, I've come to terms with it even though I might get caught. I'd rather die having been true to myself than live, betraying the essence of my personality. “

"It takes a lot of courage to take full responsibility. “

"It's not easy every day, but I know it would be worse if I forced myself to be different. “

Jinyoung got up, he joined him and he took him by the waist from behind and he squeezed him very tightly while whispering to him: 

"Never be otherwise. It would be a waste for everyone. Keep betting on you, that's more than enough. “

Jackson nodded with a slight smile. Jinyoung dropped him to put the turkey in the oven. He stuck his little finger in the egg whites, and they looked firm. He bit the inside of his lip, suddenly remembering that Jinyoung had read his notebook, full of his thoughts and uncertainties. 

Bambam and Yugyeom arrived first. They seemed very happy to spend the evening together. They settled down next to each other on the sofa. They started laughing like crazy. They hadn't even had a drink yet. Jinyoung asked them what he wanted to drink. Before answering, they looked at each other discreetly and answered him, without being able to hide their knowing smile. Jinyoung did not pay attention, too focused on being a worthy host. As he was serving, Youngjae rang the doorbell, happy that he hadn't arrived first or last. He greeted everyone before sitting down with the clown duo. Jackson returned to the kitchen to make sure everything was cooking. Youngjae looked completely exhausted, but his smile was still bright. Bambam and Yugyeom teased him about the reason for the tiredness, trying to find out if a girl was the cause of the dark circles under his eyes. Jinyoung shook his head in amusement and went to join Jackson in the kitchen, leaving the three of them to their conversation. The host basting the turkey to prevent it from becoming too dry. He put it back in the oven with great delicacy and said: 

"Come on, fat girl! We're counting on you! “

Jinyoung murmured as he approached: 

"Do you think she can hear you? In my opinion, it's too late. “

"It's never too late. I feel his soul all around us. I feel that she encourages me to make the right decision, she shows me how to pay her a last tribute in the most beautiful way".

He burst out laughing, not expecting such an answer. 

"Did a shaman tell you that? “

"Yes, the Christmas shaman. He got in touch with her and said he had a message for me from her. “

"Do you know you're crazy?"

"I know and that's why you love me..." he said, and then he suddenly gave an account of his words. "Well... My idea is that... You don't love me like..." he said. You see... You like me well... Well, a little more than "well"... I hope..."

"Hey! Don't panic! I know what you meant, don't worry! “

"I shouldn't have put it like that. It would be too much... “

"Weird? "asked Jinyoung while placing his hand on Jackson's hip to turn him towards and hold him close to him. 

"That's weird, though! "said a voice as he entered the kitchen. 

They instantly turned around and let go of each other. Mark had a big smile on his lips as he crossed his arms over his chest: 

"Considering your reaction, it's not official yet."

"What are you talking about? "asked Jackson.

"I leave you for a few days and that's how it ends. “

"You, I don't talk to you anymore! "he said, pointing to him. 

"What have I done? “

"You lied to me! You've been home for several days and you made me believe that you weren't there.

"Ask your friend... or I should say "your boyfriend."

"What do you mean? “

Feeling Jinyoung squirming in all directions, behind him, he turned around and had time to see him make a sign for "Shhh!" before putting his hand through his hair in pseudo discreet mode. 

"Jinyoung, what's this story? “

"I'll explain later. “

"Jinyoung! “

He didn't have time to get really angry because Bambam's voice was heard from so far away that the other end of the city had surely known that "JAebummmm!!!! "was back. Jackson rushed into the living room and rushed to take him in his arms: 

"What are you doing there? “

"I was just walking around and thought I'd drop in and say hello."

"Seriously? “

"But no, idiot! I received a message telling me that you had organized the New Year's Eve party at your place. And since I managed to make myself free at work, I accepted the invitation. “

Jackson automatically turned to Bambam and Yugyeom who signaled that they had nothing to do with it. He was about to forgive Mark for his lie to thank him for this surpris but he was astonished that Jaebum approached Jinyoung to take him in his arms. 

"You two know each other? "shouted Jackson, Yugyeom, Bambam and Yugyeom at the same time. 

"Yes, we went to the same college with Mark," Jinyoung replied as if it was obvious. 

"Why didn't you tell us? "Bambam asked. 

"To surprise you. “

"To surprise us? “

"Are you sure of your answer? "Jaebum asked, ironically. “

"I have to admit that it seemed more logical in my head. "grinned Jinyoung

"You avoid answering the question. "complained Yugyeom. 

"I'm curious as to why you don't want to answer," Jackson added, crossing his arms, with a small smirk on his face. 

"I'll explain later..."

"It's a lot of things that you have to explain to me later. “

"Maybe you should check the turkey, right? “

"We'll talk about it again. You're not going to get off that easy. “

They all ended up settling in the living room while Jackson finished putting everything in the dishes and covering them to keep them from getting cold. When he came back from the kitchen, he went to sit on the floor, between Jinyoung's legs, sitting on one of the two armchairs. Bambam, Yugyeom and Youngjae were on the sofa, Jaebum was on the second chair, and Mark was also sitting on the floor. They were in the middle of a conversation about Jaebum's new work. Instinctively, Jinyoung put his hands on Jackson's shoulders. Jackson put both hands on his arm, holding it tightly and turning to face him. Jackson said something to him, somewhat discreetly. Jinyoung's laughter was heard, covering the conversation. The handsome brunette saw that the other young man was satisfied with his reaction, his hand exerting a slight pressure on his shoulder. 

"What did he say to you? "Bambam asked. 

"Nothing important. "replied Jackson. 

"I asked Jinyoung. “

"He said that..."

Jackson turned around, jumping on top of him and putting his hand over his mouth. Jinyoung tried to free himself but was crushed by his body, straddling him. The others watched the show, feeling too much. While they were innocently playing, Jinyoung put his hands on his lower back and pressed it against him. Their pelvis met. Feeling his warm breath, he only wanted to come closer and kiss him. His heart quickened, the excitement took possession of his body. He had just wanted to play with him and he was getting trapped by his desire. He suddenly remembered that they had guests. This was not the time to go in that direction. Jackson broke free from the embrace of his arms and sat down on the floor, trying to regain some composure. Jinyoung must have been as warm as he was. Everyone looked at them and Bambam asked the burning question: 

"How long have you been together?


	26. December 25th

They were all around the table, their pants unbuttoned for having eaten too much. They were talking and laughing. It had been a very good New Year's Eve party. Mark had recounted his business trip, which had turned out to be a real disaster. Luckily, things had worked out in the end. Jaebum had explained how the change of environment was not simple, to move away from everything we knew to live a new adventure required some courage. Bambam talked about all those situations where his colleagues thought he was an alien. Yugyeom tried to think about another professional future even though he liked being a janitor, but the prestige of the job was limited. Youngjae had a lot of anecdotes about his singing and piano students. Jackson commented, ranging from his personal touch that made his charm: his repartee. And Jinyoung participated, in his own way, in this memorable evening, laughing and speaking in a punctual but always very fair manner. Everything seemed normal. If they hadn't been caught up in the conversation, the other five would have noticed that something special was happening before their eyes. If they had looked more closely, they might have noticed the conniving glances they would have received after a hand had slipped under the table to caress a thigh. They could have seen regular comings and goings in the kitchen and smiles each time, they returned to the dining room. They would have been able to perceive these discreet gestures, full of affection that came to meet the other. They were so absorbed in the joy of being together that they paid no attention to any of his details. 

"Jinyoung, what were Mark and Jaebum like in college? “ Youngjae asked suddenly.

"Didn't they tell you anything? “

"They protect each other and give the same version of their college year. “

" We were the library specialists because we loved books and the three of us didn't talk much. We agreed not to be together all the time and give each other space without even consulting each other. All three of us had strong personalities. Mark, we shouldn't have bothered him. He was... He's very calm but as soon as he gets angry it's like he's burning inside. Jaebum was more displeased, he would sometimes go off at the drop of a hat and he really needed some time alone so he didn't explode constantly. He tended to always want to be right. “

"That's still the case! "Youngjae said. 

"Hey!" Jaebum replied. 

"What? Isn't it true? “

"A little, but you didn't have to say it. “

"And how was Jinyoung? "asked Jackson. 

"He liked to make fun of us whenever he found a loophole. “ 

Jaebum answered

"He was focused on his studies and everyone thought he was a model student, but as soon as he opened his mouth at the right time, his tongue was as sharp as a razor blade. "added Mark. 

"Of the three of us, he was the one who was the least angry and the most caring. He helped us whenever he could, like a kind of Mom when we were the oldest. “

"He hasn't changed," Jackson said. “

"He's never going to change. "Jaebum confirmed. 

Jackson smiled, satisfied. He knew that he had someone exceptional at his side and he couldn't realize that he had chosen him. To hide his confusion and discomfort, he went to get dessert even though everyone's tummies were full. 

"I can't eat anymore. "Bambam confessed. 

"You don't even want a small piece of pie? "Jackson asked, standing right behind Jinyoung's chair. 

"A tiny little piece then..."

"I knew you would eventually give in to temptation," he said as he moved closer to Jinyoung's ear to come and cut the pie. 

"In my opinion, tonight, I would not be the only one to give in to temptation. “ 

Yugyeom elbowed Bambam even though he was laughing. Jaebum and Mark looked at these two big suckers like children. It didn't take much to amuse them. Jackson sliced the pie as if he hadn't heard anything, he did the distribution before raising his head and smiling. In front of him, the clock indicated midnight. 

"Merry Christmas to all! "he shouted. 

Everybody raised their heads to the clock and answered in their hearts: 

"Merry Christmas! “

They all got up and hugged each other, one after the other. Jackson felt a kiss on his cheek and turned to see Jinyoung, whispering to him: 

"Merry Christmas, Jackson. “

"Merry Christmas, Jinyoung"

He took his hand in his own, held it tight, and brought it to his mouth to give a light kiss. He just held it for several seconds before releasing it, but Jinyoung prevented him from escaping. He wanted to prolong the moment when their fingers intertwined. The evening continued until two o'clock in the morning when they all left the apartment together, suddenly leaving them alone. They washed the dishes and tidied up the kitchen, discussing the evening and its best moments, before heading to the bedroom, hand in hand. As Jinyoung came out of the bathroom, he discovered Jackson just wearing his oversized Christmas sweater, which was falling down on his thighs. He had taken off his pants, feeling like he couldn't breathe. He passed in front of the other young man to go to the bathroom but Jinyoung stopped him, taking him in his arms from behind. 

"Where are you going?

"I'm going to change and brush my teeth. “

"Do you have to change your clothes? “

"To sleep?"

" Yes, to sleep. “

"Why?"

"Because I think you look incredibly sexy in that outfit. "he answered, tightening it even tighter against him. 

"You mean "in my underwear and just a Christmas sweater"? "he asked, turning around a little to see his partner's face. 

"Yes, in that outfit. “

"Do you have a fetish for Christmas sweaters?"

"Only when you're the one who wears them that way. “

"Flattering! “ 

"Are you blushing, Mr. Wang?"

"You're talking nonsense, Mr. Park! “

Jackson freed himself from his embrace, avoiding looking at Jinyoung who started laughing at the young sportsman's unexpected shyness. Without turning around, he added: 

"Okay, I'll just brush my teeth. “

When he came back, he had kept his word. He was still wearing his sweater rather than his tank top and pajama bottoms which were worn by... Jinyoung. The tank top molded to perfection his sculpted body through regular weight training exercises. 

"I borrowed your clothes, I hope you don't mind? “

In response, Jackson stepped forward, pushed Jinyoung onto the bed in a seated position, and straddled him, his body raised to dominate his face and devour his lips. Instinctively, Jinyoung responded to his kiss, placing his hands on the older man's thighs and caressing them under his sweater. They kissed without wanting to stop. Jackson pressed himself even more tightly against the body of his neighbor. Jinyoung tilted him on the bed, finding himself on top of it. He placed his mouth in his neck and put several kisses, he lifted his head and realized that Jackson was letting himself be totally taken in by pleasure but mostly by fatigue. Jinyoung stepped aside and proposed to him: 

"And if we went to bed? “

"No, that's okay. We can go on. “

"Jackson, you're falling asleep. “

"No, I'm awake. “

"It's three o'clock, you've worked hard for this evening. You have the right to rest now. “

"I couldn't buy you a gift. “

"What?" Jinyoung asked, laughing. 

"I didn't have time to get a gift for you. “

"Is that what's bothering you? “

"Yes, because I know you bought me something and I didn't think that.... “

"I don't care if I have a gift. Giving you mine makes me even happier. Don't feel guilty and let's get back to the important topic: sleep. “

"I'm sorry, I really wanted to..."

"I know, me too, but there's plenty of time for that. Come on! Come on! “

Jinyoung got up and helped Jackson to settle with him under the covers. He took him in his arms and Jackson huddled comfortably beside him. 

"Thank you for helping me today. “

"It was a pleasure. “

"Before you turn off the light, can you answer a question? “

"Which one? “

"What's the story with Mark? And why didn't you tell me you knew Jaebum? “

"Do you actually want to ask me two questions?"

"Don't play with words and answer! “

"In fact, it's one and the same answer. “

"What do you mean? “

"I knew Mark was home because he told me, but I asked him to make you believe he was coming home later. “

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to stay with you. If he came back, you wouldn't have understood why I wouldn't sleep at his place instead of staying at yours. “

"You should have just told me. “

"You would have found that too weird. I could see that you didn't believe that I could be interested in you. “

"And what does this have to do with Jaebum? “

"In fact, I've known you for longer than you think. “

"That is to say..."

"Mark and Jaebum told me a lot about you. They were constantly talking about their neighbors and especially the most fun one: you. And I started getting to know you through their anecdotes and stories. And I really liked the character, what he radiated and it made me want to get to know him, to spend time with him and enjoy life the way he did. I was really intrigued by you without even seeing you. And I visited Jaebum and Mark several times without ever having the opportunity to meet you. It was a very strange feeling because I was disappointed for someone who only existed through stories. I was so hoping to make you a reality. And then Jaebum had this professional opportunity and he offered me to come and live in his apartment so that I could audition in his absence. And I obviously jumped at the chance, it was a chance to find a role. And then you kept popping into my hea, I wanted to finally put a face to your personality. I was really hoping to get to know you. And the day I moved in my wish was granted. I was coming out of the apartment after dropping off some boxes and I saw you downstairs talking to Jaebum. And I knew it was you! “

"How? “

"You had such a brightness that was just what I had imagined.There could be no mistake. I found you very handsome. Jaebum came to confirm what I already knew. From that moment on, I had only one idea in mind: to talk to you. “

"Why didn't Jaebum make the presentations under false pretenses?"

" Because you had to leave for several days for professional reasons and I didn't see you again before Jaebum left. For several weeks I tried to meet you without success. I saw you downstairs several times leaving the building but it was too late. I ended up thinking that I was not destined to meet you until the day I came home at dawn. At first, I thought I was dreaming so much I was drunk, and then I realized that you were real. I almost screamed your name but I held it back just in time. But with the help of alcohol, I finally dared to call you by your first name. “

"I understand better now how you knew him. “

"Jaebum and Mark kept telling me that and my tongue loved to play with its sound. “

"It's very erotic what you just said. “

"My dreams with you, too. “

"Did you like me from the beginning?"

"Yes, but even more so when I really got to know you. In fact, I was so nervous that I couldn't talk to you without drinking. “

"Is that why you regularly smelled of alcohol? “

"Yes, otherwise I couldn't talk to you and be in a game of seduction. “

"From the beginning, you were in seduction? I saw nothing. “

"You didn't want to see. “

"I thought I was making movies. ”

"I had noticed and wondered how I was going to make you understand, in addition when I was shy myself."

"I didn't understand you. You seemed so accessible and the next day, completely at a distance. I didn't know how to position myself in relation to you. “

"It was due to the effect of alcohol. I once said to you, "You should welcome your guests more often, shirtless," "when I was sober. 

"You said that as you left, I thought I was having an auditory hallucination. Plus you had made a joke about a threesome with Mark, some seconds before. I figured if you said it right, it was still a joke. 

"I admit that it wasn't the best timing, but it took me so much effort to tell you that, that the only thing that was clear to me was that I liked you and I had just made that clear to you. “

"How did you know you could take a chance on me?"

"Mark and Jaebum, they gave me some information about your life... sentimental. “

"Is that why you never told me you knew them? “

"This time I'm not going to lie to you. Yes, that's why. I asked them not to let you know. “

"Why did you tell me a few days ago that you didn't know why Mark hadn't told me about our college years together? “

"Because I was waiting for you to find out that I knew Jaebum too. “

"Did you know he was coming? “

"Yes, that's why I preferred to wait to tell you everything. “

"They were aware of everything that was going on between us? “

"I would report back to them on a regular basis. “

"They stepped in to help you? “

"A little bit because they saw how bad I was. Jaebum kept telling me to go for it and he was sure you liked me. “

"It was obvious. “

"Obvious? “

"You think I would have let you do so many things if I hadn't? I don't dance so sensually with everyone. “

"I thought you were having fun and you were very tactile. “

"I think all the clients present understood, but not you. You were as blind as I was. "Jackson laughed as he grabbed his Jinyoung's cheek with one hand and shook it slightly. 

"I'm sorry I'm not good at it. “

"I'm sorry I'm not, either, but we ended up doing well, that's what matters. “

"I also think we did a good job," confirmed Jinyoung, taking Jackson's chin between his fingers and placing his lips on his. 

The kiss didn't last long. He just wanted it to be quick so as not to cause too much excitement. He let go of his chin and took him in his arms, holding him tight. He put a kiss on the top of his head and as he lowered his head, he realized that Jackson had fallen asleep. He smiled, still holding him firmly. He really didn't need a gift this year. He had already got his.


	27. December 31 th

He had gone shopping for the week after work. He usually went to the grocery store next to his apartment. For once, he had taken his backpack and had enough space to do them directly in the big shopping mall a few meters from the Oriental Language Institute. He knew exactly what he needed and it didn't take him long to get out of the food store he had entered. His bag was full, but it contained only light things. He walked through the large shopping mall to the main exit. Passing by a very chic store, he stopped in front of the window and saw a leather jacket to his liking. Seeing its price, he realized that it was beyond his means. He would have loved to have money, lots of money to pay for this kind of madness. He was about to leave when his eye was drawn to a navy blue jacket, perfect to match with a white shirt and elegant grey pants, two clothes that were in Jinyoung's wardrobe. He did not dare to look at the price for fear of being disappointed as he was with the leather jacket. Imagining him wearing it, he could not bring himself to ignore it any longer. He glanced at the sign in front of the mannequin. Lucky for him, it was on sale and it was much cheaper than the leather jacket. That same evening, they were going to celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new one. For the first time in his life, he would not be alone, that day he would be surrounded by friends and Jinyoung. For the first time in his life, he could tell himself that anything was possible. At that thought, he entered the store and called out to one of the saleswomen near the window. A few minutes later, he was holding a bag in his hands and a smile had appeared on his lips. He did not take the usual route home. The bus station was further away from his apartment than the other one. He wanted to walk and enjoy the fresh air. He realized that there was a bookstore on this street, he had never noticed it until now. An inexplicable force pushed him to open the door to enter. He walked through the rows of books, wondering what he was doing. He wasn't used to reading, yet he couldn't help but be curious about this place, full of mystery and knowledge. He looked at some of the back covers and realized that he enjoyed doing this kind of thing even if they hadn't caught his attention. At the top of the gondola, a poster announced "Coup de coeur". He walked to the shelf and picked up the book that the bookstore recommended. He read the summary and did not know why he did not want to put it back. He had to take it. It was as if he had literally fallen in love at first sight. He paid for it and walked out of the bookstore as if he was the lightest man in the world. If he had known that buying a book made him so happy, he would have done it more often. He took it out of his bag and reread the back cover again to make sure he felt the same way he did the first time : 

"I close my eyes and I'm back in Italy, so many years ago; I walk down the pine-lined alley, I watch him get out of the cab: a large blue shirt, open collar on his chest, straw hat, all that naked skin... Suddenly he shakes my hand and asks me if my father is there. “  
For Elio, this is the summer of his seventeenth birthday. His parents are hosting Oliver, a young university student, in their villa in Italy. Between long meals, swimming and afternoons in the overwhelming heat begin a game of hide-and-seek with this brilliant and attractive American. 

Yes, it was this feeling that made his heart beat faster. He had no regrets. He put it in his bag and accelerated the pace. He had wasted enough time loitering and wandering around in unexpected places. When he reached the bottom of the building, he said hello to Yugyeom before going up the stairs, walking along the corridor, and arriving at the door of his apartment. He put the key in the lock, excited about his shopping and above all to finally be home. He found it difficult to open the door the first time. He left his shoes in the hallway, took off his jacket, and shouted "Jinyoungie! “. He put his backpack down in the kitchen. He would put the groceries away later. He had something much more urgent to do. He went to his room, put the two bags in the hallway and entered the room. When Jinyoung heard him coming, he turned around, but there was no time to react. Jackson jumped on him and dropped him on the bed, which made him laugh. He grabbed him by the neck and he put a quick kiss on his lips, then a second and a third. The young man below him had barely had time to react. 

"You look happy." he said. 

"I am happy. I bought you a gift for tonight, I hope you like it. "Jackson replied, in all sincerity. 

Jinyoung pulled out a strand of his hair. His hand made its way up to the back of his neck and he pulled it to him to really kiss him. His mouth seemed not to want to let him go, and Jackson was totally in agreement with this idea. He grabbed the handsome brunette's face to let him know that he wasn't going to let him go either. This fever of passion was, in fact, hiding something. He realized it when tears flooded his fingers. He opened his eyes and moved his face back to confirm his doubt. Jinyoung kept his eyes closed to hold back any more tears that might show up. Jackson raised his head and turned it. Then he saw what he had ignored when he returned to his room: The suitcase. It was wide open with clothes inside. Surprisingly, he got up and allowed Jinyoung to sit down. 

"What's going on? "He asked. "Why are you packing your suitcase? “

Jinyoung looked him straight in the eye for the first time since his arrival. He didn't say a word because they remained in his throat. 

"Jinyoung! "Jackson almost screamed, seeing that he had no answer. 

"I was... I was taken. “

"You were taken? “

"The audition... I passed. I got the lead. “

"You got the lead? But that's great!!! “

"I couldn't believe it... It's the audition on December 23rd. The last one. “

"I'm too happy to..."

"You know, it's that famous audition where I risked going abroad for six months if I got the part, remember? “

"Oh... That role"

He understood much better why he wasn't jumping around drunk with joy. He understood better the presence of the suitcase. He understood better the impromptu tears. 

"Six months... It's true... You told me about it. “

"I couldn't refuse, it's a unique chance..."

"Of course, I understand."

He waved his hand that he would not justify himself any more. He could not have imagined that he could refuse such an offer. It was the chance of a lifetime. It would have been sheer madness if he had sacrificed it for him, whom he had known, barely, for a month. You wouldn't give up a dream about to become reality for a stranger. Even if it was all perfectly logical and reasonable, he couldn't help but feel a twinge in his heart. 

"I'm sorry, I really am. "Jinyoung apologized. "I know it's a trivial thing to say, but six months went by quickly. We won't even have time to realize that we've been apart and we'll be together again.

"Do you want to get together? Don't you want to end things between us now? We've only known each other for a month. You don't owe me anything. “

"No!!! I mean, is that what you want, you? To stop everything? “

"It's not what I want but... I just thought it would be easier if we didn't promise each other anything. And in six months, we'll see if we're still available to start something serious. “

"You'd rather we do it that way? “

"I don't want to get my hopes up for something that may not happen. “

"Are you thinking of moving on in the meantime? “

"I think you'll move on in the meantime. “

"Neither my words nor my actions will convince you? “

He did not answer. It was not necessary. They both knew it. They both had Jackson's book of thoughts in their heads. Jinyoung lowered his head, his hands tightened on his pants, his body had stretched. His lip was turning color, blood red. He walked towards him, he stood very close. His hand rose in the air and landed on his hair. She caressed it gently, several times as if it would still be there. It was a chimera to which their solitude clung. Jinyoung put his head on his belly. His hand slipped down to the back of his neck. Two powerful arms came and grabbed his waist, clinging to him like a shipwrecked man to his buoy. His hand continued to caress his hair. 

His eyes were wide open. He could not sleep. It could not be otherwise. Jinyoung had buried his head in the hollow of his neck, he was still holding it by the waist, and he hadn't let go of it since he had fallen asleep. His own arms were around his partner's shoulders so that he felt contained and did not wake up for fear of his absence. He thought back to what should have been an evening of celebration and joy. A time of forgetting. Instead, they had canceled everything to stay just the two of them. Neither of them had the strength to have fun anyway. Jinyoung would leave the next day, at the end of the morning. His departure would be very quick. Just to say goodbye. He blew into the dark and cold night in his room. The first night of the year. This year, again, it was not for him. This year, again, he wouldn't have someone at his side to make the journey. This year, again, he had to face the fact that it was not for him to be loved. 

He was on the plane. The one who was leading him to his new life. He opened his backpack to take his headphones. He noticed something packed that wasn't there that morning. He took it, surprised. He opened it. It was a book. He read the title: Call me by your name. 

They closed the book in different time universes. Tears kept flowing.


	28. December 31 th, one year later

He opened his eyes. The day was dawn. He stretched out in his bed for a long time. The comforter and the mattress were very soft and considering the temperature outside, it made him want to stay in bed even more, except that he had too many things to do. He got up in a very dynamic way to go to the bathroom. It took him less than ten minutes to shower. It took him exactly the same amount of time to finish getting ready. He retrieved his key from the table, put on his coat and shoes, and went out. He crossed the hallway to the elevator. He pressed the button to take him up. After about twenty seconds, the doors opened and he went inside. On his way out of the metal shaft, he lifted up his coat collar, put on his leather gloves, and walked briskly, ready to face the cold. The wind rushed through his hair and he smiled. He was free. He walked up the street to the right of his hotel. He walked for a while taking advantage of the architecture proposed by the Parisian buildings. It was cold and he was well covered, he could barely feel it. Only his cheeks were in direct contact with the winter wind. He had even thought to take his hat when he had his luggage. After several minutes, he arrived in front of the subway station, went down the stairs, and passed his weekly Navigo card. A RATP agent at his ticket office watched passengers use their tickets with varying degrees of success, some of them managed to cheat right in front of his nose but he didn't seem more disturbed than that. He went through the gate and down a second staircase before ending up on the platform. It was indicated that the next subway would be arriving in two minutes. When it arrived, he had to open the doors manually by pressing a button. The car was almost empty, so he sat down in a seat and put his earphones in his ears. He was obviously listening to K-pop. He let himself be rocked by the movement of the train, resting his head against the window. As he watched the passengers speaking French, he could not believe he was in the heart of the French capital. Everything seemed extraordinary to him in the ordinary daily life of Parisians. Many were concentrating on their cell phones, others had books in their hands, some were sleeping. He looked up to see how many stations he still had to go through. In three stations, he would have to leave this metro to go back to another one. He checked his route on the small sign next to the doors. That was it. He was beginning to know the route by heart. 

For two weeks, he had been walking all over the center of the capital. He had obviously seen the most emblematic monuments. He had walked through the streets, large and small, typically Parisian. Because of the splendor of the Christmas windows, he had entered famous stores in the Galeries Lafayettes even if he did not have the financial means to make the slightest purchase. He drank hot chocolates in cafés, tasted the best of gastronomy in restaurants, visited museums, discovered the Christmas market on the Champ Elysée, bought himself a ticket for the Ferris wheel at La Concorde. He had bought an opera ticket to see, with his own eyes, the Palais Garnier. He had climbed up to the Sacré Coeur and he had come back down by the little train. He had gone running to the Butte de Chaumont and then to the Parc de Vincennes. He had surely done other things that had not occurred to him but his stay had been rich in discovery and emotions. And he was so proud to have realized one of his greatest dreams. He couldn't believe that he was in a European city. In three days, he would be in London for two weeks. And then it would be Italy, Spain... 

Shit! He was going to miss the station. He rushed to the platform and looked for the sign indicating the connection. A sign with a yellow circle containing a "1" put him on the right track. He followed the indicated path, crossed several corridors crowded with people on New Year's Eve. Parisians hurriedly made their way through, without paying attention to the others around them. They had a goal, each one their own, and they were determined to reach it. Being literally a tourist, he looked around him, trying to follow the flow without ever getting carried away. He liked to observe people's eccentricities or simplicity if the signs hadn't indicated Western writing if the language he heard hadn't been French, if Asian physics had been a bit more widespread, he might have thought he was in Hong Kong or Korea. He had before his eyes, human beings with no more and no fewer similarities in their behavior with those he used to be around. After three corridors, he finally arrived on the platform of subway 1. It was an automated line, without a driver. When he arrived, the doors opened automatically, he went inside and sat down in a single seat. He raised his head to count the number of stations before reaching his destination. He was still astonished to see all those incredible names that littered his subway ride: Reuilly Diderot, Gare de Lyon, Bastille, Saint Paul, Hôtel de Ville, Châtelet. He always had his music to accompany him and he searched in his bag before finding his book. He opened it halfway through and began his reading. A young woman in front of him leaned her head to the side to read the title: Call me by your name. The next time she went to the Fnac in Châtelet les Halles, she would go to see the back cover because of the haste with which the young man had plunged himself into it, this book must have been fascinating. He looked up twice on the way, just to make sure he still had time. Fifteen minutes later, he put his book away and went down to Châtelet. He looked for the direction of the Rer A, B and D, walked along a corridor, down some stairs, took a treadmill, and walked to the gates. He passed his transport card and took one of the exits. He went up an escalator and then turned left. He walked down one more corridor and then pushed the double doors hard. They opened wide under his impulse. A few people were walking against the flow, not necessarily looking ahead, but he did not care, too dazzled by the spectacle in front of his eyes. A huge fir tree several tens of meters high, with garlands and balls, glittered in all its splendor. A huge sleigh with gifts and the seat of Santa Claus was enthroned at the foot of the tree. He raised his head to admire its top, it was so impressive. A few men and women with children had also stopped to admire it, taking pictures with their phones. Children were running around the tree screaming and laughing. He would have done the same thing if he had had someone at his side to share his promising moments. 

"I've never seen a tree that big. "said a voice beside him. 

He immediately turned his head towards the person, owner of this sensual voice. The other person turned his eyes away from the multicolored glitter of the lights to come and meet his own. 

"We know each other, don't we? “ 

He blinked to be sure of what he had just heard. 

"In another life, surely. "he replied. 

It had taken him by surprise and he had pulled out the first sentence that came to his mind, regretting that he hadn't found the right scathing and ironic tone to answer. He felt as if he was having a visual hallucination that pinned him down, preventing him from speaking, thinking and breathing normally. His brain, in automatic mode, relied on a snapshot in this kind of situation, but he had no other choice, he didn't know how to do otherwise: 

"What are you doing here?" he asked and was taken by the urge to scream and whisper at the same time as if he had been blown away by the wind. 

"I've come for you. "

"Have you come for me? What do you mean? “

"I needed to see you. “

"And the only way for a year now to see me is to be in Paris? "he asked ironically. That's it! He was waking up! Once the shock was over, he was beginning to come to his senses. 

"I know it took me a long time. "Jinyoung replied, in all simplicity. 

Jackson burst out laughing. A burst of thunderous laughter hurt his ears and belly but especially his chest. He didn't notice the people who looked at him strangely when they heard him. When he regained some of his seriousness and a little less of his bitterness and resentment, he replied in a sharp tone: 

"That's an understatement. After all, it depends on how you compare. On the scale of a whole life of a hundred years, a year is not much. If it was in relation to your "promise" of six months, you did take a long time. “

"I'm sorr..."

"How did you know I was here?"

"In Paris? “

"No, here in Châtelet. I suspect that you know about Paris thanks to Mark or Jaebum, unless it's Bambam, but I wouldn't be surprised if Yugyeom and Youngjae told you about it either. “

"I was in the café in front of your hotel very early this morning and waited for you to come out and follow you. “

"How do you know my hotel?"

"Jaebum..."

"Traitor! "he thought very loudly. 

"Don't blame him. I begged him to give it to me. “

"Jinyoung, what exactly are you doing here? Why did you travel halfway around the world when you couldn't even travel halfway across the country for a year? “

"I wanted to apologize..."

"It's expensive, the price of the plane ticket for an apology. “

"And ask you for another chance. “

"You're out of your mind. Do you realize that? “

"I know, but I also knew I wasn't doing it now, I would lose you forever. “

"It's too late. You lost me a long time ago. You have your new life and I have plans. I told you a year ago, you don't owe me anything. “

"That's what I thought too, but we're both wrong. “

"I don't want to discuss this in the middle of Châtelet while everyone is passing by and preparing their New Year's Day. “

"Let's get out of here. “

"No, you don't have to. I don't want anything more to do with you. “

"I should have come back. I made a huge mistake. After my first shoot, I should have come back to you and not gone on to a second shoot without having a discussion about our future. “

"You did well in the end. There was not and there is no future for us. You realized your dream, you became an actor, your career has started and I'm sure it will be long and beautiful. And you can't throw it all away for a week of relationship. I'm really proud of you, you deserve it. You became a Korean Xavier Dolan, a source of inspiration for the young generation. After you left, I gave up teaching fencing and dance. I continued to give Chinese lessons but I also found a much better-paid job. I put money aside to go to Europe for several months. It was you who pushed me to pursue one of my dreams. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't met you. Sorry for the trip but you are happy, I am happy too. Our roads separated a long time ago. “

He was going to move away but Jinyoung stopped him by grabbing him by the arm:

"I don't want our paths to separate" 

"Don't try to fix something that's already broken. “

"I know I hurt you. I have been caught up in the whirlwind of this new life. I was living only to become an actor and, improbably, I was finally able to satisfy my deepest desire. When I came back after the first shoot, I came to see you. I was going to knock on your door but I couldn't do it. Something stopped me and the next day I had a new proposition for a role. I told myself it was fate. We weren't supposed to be together. I gave my all in this second film proposal. I made sure that I had no time, that I was constantly busy, not to prove to the director that I was very good, not to seduce the audience even more. It took me a long time to understand this, but I was doing this so I wouldn't think about you. Like you, in the beginning, I told myself that it didn't make sense to stay focused on what we'd been going through for a week. In fact, it was your words that haunted me everywhere I went, they made it clear that you would never believe me because you don't trust anyone when it comes to feelings. It took me several months to realize that I had run away because I was convinced that I would never be able to convince you to trust me, so our relationship was bound to fail. I didn't have enough energy to handle both the beginning of a career and the beginning of a complex relationship. I was a coward and I probably still have to be one, but my second shoot made me realize that I would enjoy acting more if I didn't have anyone to share this extraordinary opportunity with. “

"You will find that person soon. You won't run out of proposals. “

"I don't want another person. I want you. “

"You said it yourself, this relationship is doomed to failure because of me. You're right, I wouldn't have believed you if we had stayed together. That's why I asked you not to make any promises during your six-month absence. You have chosen a path where we can never reveal publicly that we are together, so if you add my doubts, you won't be able to stand it for long. You want me, but I am not for you. You deserve so much more than what I have to offer. “

"I don't ask for more. “

"You say that for the moment, but one day it won't be enough and we'll end up destroying ourselves by blaming ourselves. “

He approached slowly, put a kiss on his cheek, and whispered: 

"Come home. It's better for everyone. “ 

He left him in the middle of the central square of Châtelet and started running through the crowd, hoping that he would not follow him or maybe he was hoping a little anyway. It was so confusing, that neither of his two options must have been the ideal solution. He spent his whole day walking the streets of Paris with no specific destination. He no longer wanted to do anything except being in the movement to forget. To forget everything that came to the surface, after a year hidden in the back of the closet. He had convinced himself, after three weeks of torture, that he deserved better than moping for someone he had met just a month before. He had managed to pretend for so long, but at that moment he had to face the fact that he had been marked. Jinyoung had put his imprint on his heart and now it belonged to him except that he couldn't be with him without putting himself in danger. The force of his feelings was too powerful, it would make him explode, one day at another. He walked for so long that night fell. He had planned to have a nice evening in a restaurant to celebrate New Year's Eve. Now he just wanted to sit in front of the TV and not think about anything, especially Park Jinyoung. He walked another hour before deciding to go back to the hotel. He didn't take any subway or bus. He was fit enough to walk home. When he arrived in front of his accommodation, a person, completely refrigerated, was waiting at the entrance. He should have known. He wasn't going to let go that easily. He didn't say anything, just nodded his head and invited him up to his room. They took the elevator, always in silence, and crossed a corridor before entering the room. It wasn't very big, but it was big enough to sleep and eat. And it was very hot. Jackson put down his things and invited Jinyoung to do the same. He took off his shoes and put his coat on a chair. They were both at the opposite end of the room. They remained silent. They looked at each other. He finally gave in, bowed his head and turned around to go and get a towel from a closet. He handed it to Jinyoung and offered to take a shower. 

"You're frozen," he added, almost exasperated. 

He obeyed like a child being scolded by his father. The water was so warm and it was so comforting. He came out of the bathroom in his bathrobe. Jackson had put two bowls of hot soup on the table. He was standing from behind, he had two spoons in his hand, and he put one near one of the bowls. As he placed the second one, two arms wrapped around his waist and held him tight against a muscular torso. He stiffened in surprise, but he did not reject the embrace. Jinyoung did not move, waiting to see his next move. Seeing no reaction from him, he allowed himself to put his mouth in the lower part of his neck, he breathed the smell of his skin. He wanted to be satisfied with that, but it was an illusion. He had missed him so much. He felt him relax a little even though he wasn't yet ready to respond to his need for closeness. Jinyoung closed his eyes and waited. He could have stayed like that for hundreds of years. He didn't know how long, things didn't move between them. After an infinitely short moment, he opened his mouth to say: 

"I'm not Oliver. And you are not Elio. Their destiny is not our destiny. “

Jackson turned around, surprised by the reference. 

"Yes, I read it," Jinyoung replied as if he had asked him a secret question. "It took me a while because I didn't want it to be a farewell gift. And that's what it was, wasn't it? I started it and finished it a week ago. When I closed the book, I knew I couldn't let you go. You don't abandon the person you're in love with. You make sure you keep her, no matter what the cost. “

Jackson stared at him to try and make sure he heard it. Even recalling the sentence five times in ten seconds, he was still not sure what it meant. 

"You can repeat it, please. “

"If you want. I just said... I love you, Jackson Wang. “

Jinyoung put his hands on his face. He caressed his nose with his own, gently. His forehead rested against his own. He breathed slowly against his lips. Jackson opened his mouth to suck in his breath. Jinyoung kissed, first his left cheek. It was soft, without hurry, and then he kissed his right cheek with a little more force. He went down to his jawbone where his mouth followed the line of his face to reach his lobe, which he kissed and then he kissed behind his ear. Jackson felt a shiver run down his spine. Seeing the effect, he smiled and placed a second kiss in the same place to get the same reaction. He smiled. He liked to have that power over him. His hand slipped down to his neck to hold him firmly, he kissed his neck for the first time. Jackson raised his chin to give him a little more access. He continued to descend, his mouth devouring small areas of skin at times, making them blush like Jackson's face from the heat from his body. Jinyoung put his other hand under his shirt, caressing his lower abdomen. It was muscular and hard. As he stuck himself against his body, he realized that it wasn't the only thing that was hard. He smiled at this reflection. The shivers were not the only reactions of his body. 

"Jinyoung! "suddenly called Jackson. 

"What?" he grunted as he didn't want to interrupt the moment when he was completely high. 

"If you're going to lay me down on this table, I just want to remind you for the record that there are two bowls of very hot soup that were here before us. “

Jinyoung burst out laughing as he hugged him tightly and kissed him all over his face: 

"Only you can try to save a purely sensual moment from a catastrophe with your repartee."

Jackson couldn't help smiling at this compliment. 

"What shall we do? Do we eat them or do we move? “

"The bed!"

Jackson took Jinyoung's hand in his own and rushed him towards his goal. They both fell back on the bed after Jackson pushed them. Jackson was on top of him, he looked at him for several seconds without trying anything. Jinyoung was looking forward to what promised to be an exciting sequel. But as usual, Jackson took him by surprise: 

"Don't leave me, okay? “

Jinyoung felt that all his fears had suddenly come to the surface. He slowly nodded his head like a silent promise that the other young man was able to hear. Jackson slowly lowered his lips onto Jinyoung's. They stayed like that for a long time, just kissing. They both knew that everything remained to be built. That month together, the previous year, was the first step towards a relationship that would take years to make or break. There were many trials and tribulations ahead, but also many moments of happiness. Everything was just unexpected and adaptive and what made the richness of our humanity. Jinyoung knew full well that Jackson was not ready to tell him that he loved him even though he was unable to hide the true nature of his feelings. The risk was too great for him. Jinyoung fully accepted it because he risked losing him if he stopped listening to his thoughts and desires. And Jackson knew that he would only be a part of Jinyoung's life because his passion could not be extinguished by his love. That was good because he needed Jinyoung, alive and existing for himself and not for others or for Jackson himself. It had only taken them a month to fall in love, they had a lifetime to stay in love. 

Midnight! In each other's arms, naked as newborns, wrapped warmly under the blankets in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, a voice whispered in one ear: "Happy New Year, Jackson". A smile in the voice, a mouth answered: "Good night, Jinyoung." They fell asleep hoping that only eternity would wake them up without ever separating them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normally, this fiction should be finished by December 31. It's missed! But it is, at least, finished. Thanks for the kudos and the comments. And I hope to see you soon.


End file.
